Lucia's diary

8/25

Today is going to be exhilarating. I already have my backpack set up, and I know my classes. Sounds as if I'm going to have loads of fun. I want to find out my classmates and what we'll be learning. Now I'll have something to strive for each day. Sucks that I got two left shoes, though!



My incoherent thoughts:
 * I was a bit strange and hyped up at the beginning.
 * I was more social than ever. Wow!
 * Most of the kids in my classes are strangers.
 * I was shocked to see Drew Stewart in English, and even more shocked to see Ben Lederman!
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">There are <span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-style:italic;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">so <span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">many kids, and they seem so grown up and have so many different styles. That’s one of the big changes that took me aback.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Why does Connor Wall have to give me crushy feelings inside when I look at him? <span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-style:italic;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Whyyyy?
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Logan in my fourth period class is a total bae.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">My chest is just average sized. Certainly not the biggest. I’m fine with it, though, at least a lot more fine with it than I would’ve been last year.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">When I sat with that senior girl at lunch and we were chatting, she said she moved from Centennial, and that really struck me. It’s hard to wrap my mind around being a high school kid now.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">It broke my heart a bit when filling out that health concerns page. I was torn over whether to mark autism and anxiety.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">The guys sitting at the table behind me were chatting about teachers they found to be “fuckable.”
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I have no classes with Sierra, but I saw her, and she’s hella gorgeous.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Apparently Ava goes to Coronado. What.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">8/27
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Langdon Hone is in my geometry class! Wow.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Mr. Poleski’s class truly is incredibly fun.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I loved learning in geometry, just as I expected.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Biology seems fun too.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">All the homework is stressing me out! And it’s just the beginning.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">My goddamn locker didn’t work in PE.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I was upset when Catherine criticized me.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">That crumpled-up paper activity in English was fun.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I actually enjoyed writing my letter to myself for English and meant every word of it.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">8/29
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">It was incredibly awe-inspiring when I finished all my work last night.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Took the bus home for the first time. Such a strangely beautiful feeling.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Hot DAMN did Max Wuebbenhorst become gorgeous.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">We actually began doing stuff in AP human geo and geometry. Seems nice.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I want to write some dirty stories.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I actually sexted (with messages and saved photos) during sixth period recently. Sneaky as a fox!

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">9/3 <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">9/10
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I have a girlfriend, Kelly, now. Our conversation was so beautiful and meaningful.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">PE was pretty fun. Praise the Lord that I wasn’t marked down for my shoes. The dances were complicated at times, but I enjoyed them.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I was so scared at first because no one was waiting out in front of the locker room.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I was so embarrassed at the questions I got wrong in science. Mason is just so damn intelligent; I loved how he cleverly wrapped up that lab equipment paper.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I’m pretty damn sure I aced that English test and blazed through that warm-up.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Showed up late to computer class. I was furious at Hayley’s impeccable typing skills, but that inspired me to go faster.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Geometry was stimulating and puzzling, despite my increasing sleepiness. (Must go to sleep earlier tonight.)
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I’m pretty much living the life. Plenty of suitors to sext, listening to music whenever I want, fascinating classes.
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I conquered all of my homework. Whew! I was procrastinating by reading autism articles.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Jefe isn’t here today. I toiled over my homework for hours and still haven’t thoroughly completed everything. I keep having emotional meltdowns in the morning. I’m in a catch-22 where I don’t want to exhaust myself by socializing (which I don’t really have the skills to do, and friendship attempts feel so mechanical and empty), yet I feel so alone in a place where barely anyone knows me. I broke down and cried in gym class. I just wish I could be over at Green Valley. This isn’t like my old sappy emotional connections; it’s a desperate cry for help. I know for certain that I wouldn’t be trapped in these feelings. I feel overwhelmed when there are so many people and so many thoughts and so many demands and so many new sensations in the environment around me. I especially detest English class. I think I’ll just subside on SparkNotes instead of committing myself to reading <span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-style:italic;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">To Kill a Mockingbird <span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">. And how will I ever make up that essay I missed due to my blank-mind crying attack? I cried out of shame in geometry when I got my test results back. I know the material, but I always mistakenly fuck it up! Mrs. Minser probably views me as a subpar lazy student. I wish I could just be alone for a while. Not just a break from school, but everything in life. Of course meditation is helpful, but it takes effort to let go of these pervasive feelings, and I’m in no mindset for effort or following commands. Of course I could just drop out of honors’ classes, but I’d feel horrible, like my intelligence had gone to waste and I was lazy. There’s no way Jefe would approve of that! But parental neglect for mental health is ethically (and legally!) no different from neglect for a child’s physical health concerns. Whenever Jefe tells me to pull it together and snap out of it as if I’m able to do that, or tells me I’m bad for doing it, that I’m selfish and childish and rude, it tears me to shreds, and the cycle just restarts. If I were physically unwell, would Jefe tell me that I need to snap out of a fever, or that I’m in total control of whether I’m physically well enough to go to school, or that my coughs and runny noses are embarrassing and I need to stop? Of course not!

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">9/12

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Oh shit. A cop came to the door asking for Jefe’s number. Apparently something frightening happened to Sophie. Maybe she got abducted! I’m scared. Will I ever see her again? Will she be okay? Turns out, yeah, she’ll be fine. She just badly cut her leg at school and needed to go to the hospital. Anyway, I think I should get reevaluated for being on the autistic spectrum, especially with my new challenges and the diagnostic criteria revisions. It felt so empowering to detail all my characteristics. I had an attack in biology and English today because I forgot my sentences, and now I have to make up a quiz. I keep fucking up! I was so pissed at my lack of earbuds this morning.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">9/14

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">As a matter of fact, no, Sophie didn’t hurt her leg. I’m not going to write out what really happened, but the incident echoes relatable memories, and it breaks my heart. Anyway, the unimaginable happened: Quinn and I sexted last night! I feel so high; it’s just so beautiful to think about. I can’t really trust that this high will last, but at least it’s amazing right now. I’m starting to adjust to all this homework. It’s so odd how MRAs draw parallels between their struggle and the anti-racism struggle, then they turn around and say that actual anti-racism activists are just “basking in victimhood” or some shit like that.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">9/18

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Oh shit!! Logan asked why I was smiling at him. I could only giggle.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">9/20

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I had a meltdown last night, possibly the most frightening one yet. I’m also quite scared about the English project. I’ve been reading up on plenty of SJ stuff, too. During my original social justice phase, I didn’t quite understand all this stuff; I interpreted things as “don’t do X because it’s SINFUL and MEAN!!!!!” rather than looking from a standpoint of “X perpetuates the culture-wide system of prejudice and disadvantages.”

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">9/23

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I think Logan Johnson is creeped out by me--no, I'm creeping him out. I must learn from my mistakes and take responsibility. I feel like now to stop. I love texting Joakim! I have an insurmountable load of homework. This morning's presentation on rules really triggered me. Oh how can I ever wipe my record clean of all my foolish mistakes? I'm not really worried about English now. Perhaps I can submit an article to xoJane about why neurodiversity is bullshit.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">9/26

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Whew. Finally finished that essay in English. I hope Ms. Bennett forgives me for acting up. Apparently Michael broke his collarbone. I hope he’s okay. I’m pretty sure Logan Johnson and Cameron Hubbard said some shit about me in computers. Speaking of which, I’m incredibly close to being done with Microtype and the projects. I’ve blazed through it. I’m scared that it’ll be revealed that my typing technique is terrible. Oddly enough, I type faster with fewer errors and less need to look at the keys when I type in my typical manner. It rained today for the first time in a while; so much, in fact, that a flash flood warning was issued. And whew! I just found out that yes, histrionic personality disorder and the like are still in the DSM-5.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:0.975;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:8pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">9/29

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:8pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Yesterday Jefe left for California for the first time in a while--on a Sunday! Tumblr exposed its neurodiversity silliness in response to my recovery blog last night. They in all seriousness believe that autistics who believe that they struggle just have internalized ableism. I wanted to cry today about Logan Johnson. I’m trying to explore my gender now. Here are some gendered terms that I think would fit me: <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:8pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">9/30
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">commogirl
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">quizgender
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">nonbinary
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">femmefluid
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">gendervague
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:8pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">demigirl

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:8pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Today I rediscovered the obsessive joy of crushes, full-body stimming, and “Stay the Night.” That one kid from my computer class was rather odd in the courtyard this morning--he did sexual motions toward me and appeared to be laughing and telling his friends about it when I reacted positively. When I came over to ask if he was hitting on me, he ran off. Catherine yelled at his group of friends, but apparently not him. In computers, I asked whether he was trying to hit on me, and whether Catherine yelled at him, with a “nah” to both. I asked him if Tristan Winkleman had a bae, though. He said yeah, but then later changed it to “No, you should ask him out!” But I didn’t believe that; I’ve seen Tristan’s Instagram page. His bae is way hotter than me. I could never look like her. Tristan blocked me. Insecure angst feels good, in a strange way.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:8pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">10/1

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:8pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Whew! It feels strange knowing that I’m done with all my homework and don’t need to go back to it. Last night was incredible. At first my heart sank at the AP Academy executive council, but they were barely mentioned. It was just an amazing night. Tristan apparently figured out my secret account. It’s horrendous to admit, but I feel so alone at Coronado. I have a feeling that Audrey likes me. I sit by myself at lunch now; I have no idea where Lauren and Hannah sit now. Mitch did a suggestive motion in computers today. I feel kind of ashamed at the fact that I don’t mind. Whenever I feel myself enjoying life or feeling content, my conscience reminds me that Jefe would disapprove and view me as hedonistic or something. Computers was absolutely amazing. It was so dark, and I was listening to “Stay the Night.”

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:8pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">10/2

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:8pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I'm at lunch, and I feel so alone. There's nothing I can talk about. My social communication issues make me feel alien and isolated wherever I go. I try to add things to the conversation, but I feel like Lauren, Hannah, and Emily don't see me as their friend. If I had oxytocin nasal spray, perhaps I wouldn't struggle as much. I know I'd burn in hell for saying something like this, but school is terrible right now.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:8pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">10/4

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:8pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Yesterday in science I talked to Luke Brandise. It was so touching hearing that yes, he was interviewed by the dean about me back in seventh grade but doesn’t remember that long ago. Seems like I’m doing well in school, but I’m putting off so much work. That night, I had a nice chat with Gabby. I wrote out in explicit detail what I’d do with her boyfriend Tristan...and what I’d do with her. She’s just so beautiful and I love chatting with her, but she’s straight and in a long-term relationship. I love having explicit sensual fantasies about her. Oh damn, Kenny's voice got so deep.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:8pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">10/5

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:8pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Today was all right. I’m so glad that I have an electric toothbrush now so I can have epic self-love sessions. I felt awful about putting off my English homework. Perhaps Jefe will want to take me to a Brain Balance center. Months ago, I would’ve been disgusted at the prospect, but now I’m delighted. I really would like help.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:8pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">10/6

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:8pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Woohoo! I overcame an insurmountable load of homework. Now I need to call Brain Balance. I loved having THREE ice creams at lunch today. Perhaps Logan notices when I make slight glances at him. Does he realize I’m trying to change? Brain Balance is becoming more of a reality; the call was so insightful and relieving. Gabby looked so beautiful in PE today.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">10/10

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I just gorged on a delicious half-eaten Snickers bar from the trash can. Sometimes I feel dreadful about school, having few friends and slacking in class. I don't like computer class anymore; my typing skills seem to have deteriorated. I don't feel as limerent and consumed with sexual thoughts anymore. It kind of sucks, but I'm grateful for the benefits that come with that. I'm overcoming a lot of my irrational anxiety. Maybe I'll sit with Julia and the rest of her table. I enjoy reading up on anti-transmisogyny perspectives...but also TERF perspectives.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">10/11

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I'm so glad Jefe is no longer angry at me for having outbursts and understands that I have a mental health condition that merits help. However, I can't think of any right-brain activities! My vertigo this morning was terrible.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">10/18

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">The homecoming assembly wasn’t really that great, but it was fine. I’m glad that I’m getting my grades back on the right track. It’s awful that I’m emotionally addicted to those eight grade lax boys. I’m glad that Jefe thinks it’s okay that I have few friends and doesn’t want me to be so hard on myself. It’s difficult to retrain my thoughts, though. I want to write a WattPad story about a teenager like me coping with mental illness. Transphobia really pains me as a nonbinary person. I feel comfortable identifying as bisexual. It would just be awful if someone summed me up as an attention seeker just for those traits. Maveline is really pretty! There’s no way I can come out as my sexuality outside of sexual and romantic contexts, and absolutely <span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-style:italic;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">no <span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">way I can come out as nonbinary. Anyway, I texted Tim Gutterman, and he hasn’t replied. Fuck! How will I get my homework assignment?

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">10/21

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I love working with Maveline and Barry. Maveline knows about my sexuality. Very few folks in real life do. Same gender marriage is now legal in Nevada!! Barry hasn't responded to my texts, nor has Tim. I love fantasizing about Tim. He's so handsome and sweet. I just want to suck his cock. I'm going to the AP group study session today. I feel ashamed of acting strange in PE and computers. It's just so difficult. I experience great anguish. Perhaps I should write an xoJane article urging people not to use detransitioners' experiences as pawns in their arguments that transitioning is bad and trans identities are invalid. It's a bit of a challenge to write a schizotypal character.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">10/23

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I really like geometry class now. I’m glad that Barry and Maveline are my friends, but how the hell are we going to do that biology project? I’m doing quite well in all my classes, but I had a really frightening mental breakdown in English and actually started self-harming. Jefe was notified. I hope I don’t get in trouble. I had a dream in which Bocaj910 was revealed to like boys, concerned about how to reconcile it with his strong Christian beliefs. I looked him up, and hey-hey, that actually happened. Turns out, he was struggling and depressed with his sexuality, and then spent time in a weird place of being Christian and pro-LGBT, then learned and became an agnostic atheist. It’s so shocking how I can relate, and I feel so happy for him.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">10/29

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I deplore Google Drive’s new format. Homework no longer stresses me out. These twinges feel strange and gross. Yesterday I had a panic attack, I think. I got intense heart palpitations and felt distressed and had difficulty concentrating and eventually experienced rapid breathing in AP human geo. I was just wildly huffing in and out and wanted to stop. Mr. Poleski called me outside and calmed me down, which felt great. At the group study session, I chatted with Yasmin and showed her my list of crushes. She knows I’m bi now. And that I like Katie McIntyre. I’m so glad to sit near Cierra, Priscilla, Levon, Barry, Sam, and Yasmin now. It’s the best combination. I kind of feel like I have a good number of friends now. Today I heard Tristan utter the phrase “Lucia and Gabby.” Apparently he knows. That’s just a beautiful phrase!

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">10/30

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I came out as nonbinary to Sarah and Andy. They were so accepting! I feel so glad now. Kristian was totally ignorant though. I doubt we'll ever speak again. But I'm fine with that! Yet again, science was great, though one question tripped me up.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">11/1

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I’m so stuffed from all that Halloween candy. At first I was hesitant to eat so much, but then I was all like, fuck it, I’m going to treat myself! And that’s fine. Today Jefe and I drove around Las Vegas. It was so cool. We had pleasant conversations, and I got <span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-style:italic;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Great Expectations <span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"> and a cool book on scientific theories. I love Las Vegas so much. I love all the food we have. I loved the amazing lesbian fantasy I woke up with. There’s so much to love about my life right now.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">11/4

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Julian was my incredible boyfriend for a little over two days. I miss him so much. Apparently he wants to break up because his Kik got messed up. This really upsets me. Deeply, viscerally, earth-shatteringly upsets me. But I’m fine now, I suppose. I’m at the library again with anxiety balled up in me. I baked cookies today but felt ashamed about them for some reason. At home I experienced deep visceral pangs of sensory pain when Sophie and Catherine were close to me and there was so much noise. I actually don’t mind the new Google Docs setting, now that I’ve actually seen it in execution. The only real stressor I have is the essay for English.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">11/5

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Well, that essay wasn’t stressful at all. It came naturally. English class wasn’t that good, though. I got anxious and cried and scratched my arms. I’m so glad I sit by Simon, Grant, and Angelica now. I just feel so awful for not writing in here as often as I did in eighth grade. Spencer Johnson liked my #MCM pic on Instagram and said he should be my #MCM, but then blocked me. Twice today Katie realized my crush on her and got creeped out--first when I stared at her in gym class, and then on the bus. I was thrilled to sit behind her on the bus, and her friend asked whether I liked her and why. I was so upset when I accidentally went in the basketball courts and got corrected. I kept nuzzling against the paddle because I wanted cuddles. I can’t tell whether Faith is creeped out by me. I felt guilty in biology when Thomas and Sierra were far ahead of me. I really like where I sit. I’m so fucking ashamed of my grade on that cell analogy project though. I guess I get what I deserve. Is that what reaping what one sows means? I don’t mind computer class, but I despise all the noise. At least I’m done with that godawful numeric keyboarding set of lessons. Geometry doesn’t really bear mentioning because it’s not all that bad. I actually understand rotations now. AP human geography was awesome again, and I loved the “Anaconda” reference. I had a beautiful dream last night. Mr. Poleski and I walked together in the morning, and he told me how he knows how much I adore ladies, and that he was going to introduce me to his niece so she and I could have sex. That’s epic to think about. I’m still texting Holden. I love that we can chat about really deep things.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">11/6

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I'm jealous of Aylin and Brittany. Wish I could have a bae. I've been thinking about a hot story lately that I could write:
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Girl hugs and flirts with neighbor man
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">He introduces her to niece who likes ladies
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Girls have date
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Ruby goes to Marissa's house
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">They have sex
 * <p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Marissa tells Ruby about fantasies about Kelly

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">�

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">11/20

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Wow. It’s been such a long time. Anyway, I got my phone taken away because I was caught sexting. I felt absolutely awful. However, I have my computer privileges back because I did the envelope thing. My birthday was lovely. I’m so grateful that I could have such a nice day. I’ve begun socializing a lot more, which is great. What makes me ashamed is that I’ve been slacking on my homework. After all, it’s hard to get off DDO, which I recently started visiting again. I have a serious crush on Cierra Sawyer. We hugged today! I have no idea how I’ll be able to read all of the <span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-style:italic;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Great Expectations <span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"> chapters I slacked on. Today in PE, I locked myself in the bathroom stall and ripped my hair out while some girls stood outside wanting to know what was wrong. I’m glad they care, but it was an intensely overwhelming experience. I asked Logan what he meant by “I don’t like you,” but now I feel embarrassed for asking such a thing.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">11/21

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I was intensely distressed this morning, which was made worse by the fact that Catherine was shaming and making fun of me. It was nice that Tyler and Lauren cared. I feel so glad. Today I got further than I ever have in Bouncing Balls and discovered a lovely new song. I’m clearly doing well on both of my debates, and I want to start a new one regarding the ethics of male circu

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">11/24

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">My continuation of the story yesterday was nice! I should keep thinking about it. I have nine dollars--enough for Cain’s and ice cream. Today I was brave enough to tell Barry how “incredibly breathtakingly attractive” he is. This is a nice new song on JW Pepper I’m listening to. I finished <span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-style:italic;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">His Final Bargain <span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"> today, and overcame my insurmountable load of homework. I will never slack on my <span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-style:italic;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Great Expectations <span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">reading again. I woke up unusually early today and had beautiful fantasies about Caleb Blackhurst and Claire Mauriello.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">11/25

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I experienced great shame today, having done awfully on the test and being so far behind on Microtype. But after listening to JW Pepper and playing Cool Math Games, it’s all okay.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">11/26

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">My homework last night seemed insurmountable, but I completed it with ease. I feel awful for not doing my warm-ups in English. They just confused me. This class is so awesome. Logan is so adorable. At first in biology, I was stressed, but that test wasn’t difficult at all!

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">12/1

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Thanksgiving was so cool, and so was my birthday celebration at Mom’s. I had some awful meltdowns, but the celebration ended up being great, and my homework wasn’t even so bad! The cake is awesome. Plus, now I have makeup and $49! I was so amazed when my candle showed up on Twitter as “on the next level.” Today in computers I felt triggered when bulimia was being discussed. I’m so glad that I was able to do well on today’s warm-up in English. Our next unit in biology regards cell reproduction, which sounds awesome! Things are going well.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">12/2

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">So apparently I have bedbugs, and we actually don’t have to do MicroType at the beginning of computer class. I want to start writing a naughty story, and I already began, although my first draft is crap. I’ve been interested in the Finnish language lately, even though Dutch would be much easier. I’m going to buy some ice cream today. Biology is a bit confusing, but I know it will clear up. Life is pretty great. This morning in PE, I was crying because I felt like I look so gross. I was so weighed down. It’ll be great to have my phone back. I know I’ll talk to Luka, Joakim, and Siem, because I remember their Kik names. Instagram will also be cool. I wonder how Seamus is doing. English actually isn’t that bad anymore! My warm-up and assignment were actually quite good.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">12/4

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Apparently, it’s been a little over a year since I first started writing in a regular diary. It’s a little disappointing that I’ve skipped so many days, but I love reading through my life. Today I was panicky. It started in PE. I felt absolutely terrible. Amazingly, I managed to make it through. It flared up again in geometry when I messed up on the test. I got all red and hot in the face and my heart beat fast and my breathing was irregular. I’m a conqueror. Oddly enough, I’m just writing this stuff because I know my eighth grade self would want me to see this. And the beautiful thing is that I believe all of this. I don’t have much homework. I’ve had dozens of story ideas in my head, and I’d love to write them. I’m glad that I have my old imagination back. Imagination is such a wonderful thing. Once Inkstand becomes popular, I’d love to use it. Here are my story ideas: the Finnish girl who moves to Salt Lake City, the brothers who fuck, histrionic personality disorder quest, and of course the Valeria story.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">12/5

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">It’s moments like these that make me wish I had a religion. If a god were responsible for my breathing attack in sixth period, I would feel comfortable, knowing that it’s all part of a grander plan and that I shouldn’t feel ashamed of myself. I enjoyed Cane’s so much, and I’m glad that Julia appreciated those gummy bears. Langdon is quite attractive. I want to get to know him. I’m so damn envious of Simon Blackhurst. He has straight A’s, is in Algebra II H, and takes computer science! But I can’t hate him when he’s so hot. I love staring at him. I wrote a note saying “You are incredibly breathtakingly attractive,” but I was too shy to give it to him. I came up with an idea for a hot story about a guy who goes to a continuation school who meets a boy there who becomes his gay lover. Wow, that sounds really lame when I put it that way.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">12/8

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Well, this weekend was pretty nice, though I really slacked on <span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-style:italic;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Great Expectations. <span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"> I loved all the food from Gold Spike and that cookie I got. I enjoyed seeing Priscilla and Drew at that one event. Interestingly, I met some girls

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">12/10

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.15;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">My life has been turned upside down. My meltdown yesterday was so severe that the campus monitor had to be called down. Apparently there’s going to be a meeting tomorrow regarding whether I can stay at school. Even worse, my computer was taken away! That’s just awful. I felt so awful yesterday, but now I’m okay. Apparently Mrs. Swenson has forgiven me. I couldn’t focus at all in PE today, but I managed to do well in flag football. It was nice seeing those boys from the boys’ class. Biology wasn’t even that stressful. Neither was English, though I have absolutely no idea how to do that current event thingy. Since I’m basically done with all the necessary PowerPoint lessons, fourth period is just a free-time class. I’m not even worried about the geometry test! I’m so glad I can spend my money during lunch. Logan isn’t here today. Sometimes I wonder how things would be back at Green Valley. <span style="font-size:17px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">