Lucia's daily diary

DO NOT READ!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU ARE NOT LUCIA CLOSE THE TAB IMMEDIATELY  Lucia’s personal daily musings:

12/3/13

Today, I didn’t have anything to worry about. No homework to fret over, no worries. I think I’m going to stop sitting with Ben and Max and the rest of them. They’re complete jerks to me. I want to write a mock romance novel called Despite Her Handicaps  just for fun. I keep imagining what it would be like to be an independent YouTube performance artist with a song called “His Dick is Like a Remote” and a bizarre music video to go along with it. I’d probably get a comment shitstorm. Today in peer advocate, Zack did his work, and I helped him. His finger was stuck in the purple triangle, but I got it out. I want to write a column about disability because I’m qualified in it.I love xoJane, but only some of the articles fascinate me. I just noticed that fascinate and fascism start with the same letters. Do they have the same root? I’m going to look that up, along with “viv” words.

12/4/13

Tristan Alexander Correa

Adler James Williams

<span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Jada Pearl Isaac

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Kevin Lawrence Phillips

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Steven Lee Stiles

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Shaun Kiley Huntsman

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Noah Jonathan Dagley

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Syed Nishdat Rahman

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Adler James Williams

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Marcus John Echeverria

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Mateo Robert Echeverria

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Brandon Robert Kunzler

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Olivia Grace Nhaisi

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Jason Fouad Ramadan

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Lance Angel Pingul Masse

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">TJ Aldo Saxon

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Tristen Lockhart Low

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Today Mrs. Paris told me to bring something to the office. It had everyone’s FULL NAMES! I wrote what I remembered. Heehee. But I’m not going to say any of them because that would be extremely creepy! And I’d look like a stalker! And probably get expelled! In peer advocate it was really difficult to get Xandre to understand the worksheet on time; Ms. Linda even agreed that it was too much. He tries to make everything meticulously neat and traces over things he isn’t asked to trace. Tomorrow is the straight-A luncheon. I foolishly told a girl (my supposed “friend”) that I liked Quinn Swinger, being the dumbass that I am. I actually planned to ask out Jake Crawford that day, but he looked ugly, so I quickly changed. She whispered it to her friend Suede, who shockedly blurted out, “You like Quinn Swinger?!” He was standing in the group next to us. I furiously ran across the courtyard, but the girl soon motioned for me to come back--with Quinn at her side! I talked to him; his voice was more childish than I expected. I could tell he was feeling awkwardly uncomfortable, either because he’s embarrassed or he thought I was hot. I’d like to think it’s the second one, but there’s no chance. It would be nice to go out with him. It would also be nice if we fucked. It’s a crazy thought. I recently noticed that thinking a guy is hot and liking him are on completely separate spectrums. Like, I think Mateo, Dayton, and Stephen are all super hot but I wouldn’t actively date them. Conrad, Jason, and Noah are nice guys that I’d want to date but they’re certainly not what society would consider attractive. I REALLY want

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">12/10/13

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Whew! It’s been a while. Anyway, today, I finally got the teensiest bit closer to feeling relaxed. I was on the swings at the first park on the walk, and I just looked around me, at the grass, at the sky, at the houses, at the distant mountains. I felt a slight bit of wonder in the pit of stomach, balled up. I hopped off the blue swing and ran down to the library, eager to get there quickly. The grass around me, the big dip--it all looked so wondrous. Maybe I’ll finally see the beauty in this world and just relax one day. Anyway, we got a new peer advocate--Cory Romero. His voice is a lot deeper since sixth grade, which gives me a bit of nostalgia. Deep down I sometimes wish that people who marked my past memories wouldn’t change since those days. But it must happen. Sometimes I think he’s kind of cute. It’s weird! I’m pretty sure I want to date Mateo. He is so hot. But he is way out of my league and has voiced clearly to Brandon that he doesn’t like me. Which sucks. I’m a genderqueer woman who feels like a boy. I can live with that. It’s the simplest, truest, purest explanation. I’m launching my rocket tomorrow, and I’m scared. My AR points are due January 7--still scared. Agh! I can only think of two perfectly satisfying books-- <span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-style:italic;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Cedar B. Hartley <span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"> and <span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-style:italic;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Dear Dumb Diary <span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">. Don’t get me wrong; I love to read. I just hate when I have to read and be tested. Like math--it’s a stimulating puzzle when I want it, but when forced into my brain and presented like broccoli, it’s a chore. Perhaps, if I ever educate kids (which is definitely a prospect), I will make sure the learning material is the former and not the latter. Lance got told his middle name and didn’t mind. Whew! I keep thinking about dating Marcus Echeverria, which is weird, considering that I barely know him (hell, no one does) and he isn’t what society considers cute. Mateo knows about my raging crush (read what’s written 11 lines upward), so if I date Marcus, Mateo will think I’m bitchily settling for the closest option. Not true at all. Lance also rejected me this week, and so did Quinn Swinger. Science class was so fun--we did CRT review and the paragraph MindTrap. I’ve started talking to a Chatango boy named Jarrod. I think I want to become poly--it’s so easy for me. I have a polyamorous heart. The more love, the better! Imagine that--Lucia, a liberal, atheist, poly, sex-positive gender-egalitarian. Just earlier this year, I was a conservative, Catholic, abstinent, sex-negative anti-feminist. I feel more free in my current viewpoints, though, and I know that the world will be more free with them.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">12/11/13

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Today I launched my bottle rocket. Total failure. Well, not completely. Mrs. Slocum commented that it stayed in the air quite a while. The cone was totally crushed, and the poor egg got cracked.In English, I got a score of 1351 on the STAR test--the highest Greenspun’s ever had! Algebra was pretty damn easy, and I learned some new things. In world geo, I almost cried at the beginning because I kept thinking about the large-chested (I hate “well-endowed”--makes it sound like something objectively desirable to attain) pretty blonde girl, and how one of the Echeverrias in her second period class must be attracted to her. Sometimes I just want to cry out the pain. I’ll admit, my writing for the newspaper project was pretty damn good. In PE, I made it all the way around the four bases in matball! Woohoo! Aaron on first base told me about how penises are squishy except when they’re excited, in which case they’re hard. I wondered if any of the kids for whom I’m a peer advocate ever feel affected by the stigma of having a disability. Is any of them high-functioning enough to know? I’ve pretty much stopped talking to DJ. It’s frightening how little I know about him. Same with Jarrod. I want to love Jarrod--he’s exactly the type I would love--but I can’t muster it up. It sucks how Gabby, Max, Carson, Vinnie, etc. treat me. They NEVER treated me like that in sixth grade! I wonder sometimes if I should actually stay away from them. That’s horrible to think about. Last night I sang “Jar of Hearts” with them in mind--damn, did it feel empowering. Today I nearly cried at the wonderful feeling of friendship: after my rocket failed, I joked and laughed with the othe

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">12/12/13

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Today in PE, I played volleyball with the sixth-graders, including Kyle Cronic, Jozie Van Wie, Cosette Zielinski, Cory, and some other girl. It was fun and non-stressful. (Ugh. I’m in the library and this one man is being so annoyingly loud.) In algebra, I learned some new things. During lunch I stole a cookie from the trash can discreetly and ate Regan’s lunch cookie  and realized how seriously Max’s crew are jerks. In English, I wrote an essay through the whole period. I didn’t finish, but I was proud. In science...oh, I have to say this. I got some attention from Stephen, Kyle, and Mateo. And I found out that Mateo’s from “the Basque.” That’s so cool! I told them some crazy stories and they laughed fakely. I really want attention--good attention--from them. Interesting attention. On the swings at the park after school, I looked around and saw how beautiful it all was. Taking it all in, y’know? I don’t have much else to write about.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">12/13/13

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Shocking discovery today: Carson and Vinnie really did hate me in sixth grade. That’s horrible. I thought they liked me and thought I was cool. What if it was like this for a ton of other kids in sixth grade? Obviously not Maggie or Katelynn or Kameryn or Bryce or any of them. That’s just unimaginable--well, but then again, Carson, Vinnie, and Gabby hating me is also unthinkable, but guess they do. If only I were better at reading people’s emotions. But that also begs the horrible question: If the popular kids didn’t actually admire me like they seemed to...then why did I go to Greenspun? That was one of the primary motivating factors! Bring in the fact that my mindset was childishly curious and awed in sixth grade, and Greenspun’s no different from Miller. I don’t know why I don’t have a hundred percent in peer advocate. I bet Jessica and Cory both do. I want to know what I did wrong with my bottle rocket project. I hate that I have to re-do the DRW. And I have to complete my study guide, newspaper, and book reading. I guess I can do it all. It horrifies me to think about sitting alone at lunch for the rest of the year. Part of me wonders whether Max’s crew is just joking about how they hate me--if they really did, wouldn’t they go and tell the dean instead of just using reporting as a threat? I want Tristan to like me. It’s not so much that I like him as it is the need for emotional attachment, to fill the void of worthlessness in me. I’m afraid that I looked weird asking Jacob about poly relationships. I’m afraid I always look weird around him. I’m afraid I always look weird, period. These entries have gotten really sad lately. But I’ve thought every year that my life is sad but look back on past years as non-sad. So, I guess worse things are going to come in later years. That sounds frightening. Also, I’m thinking about actually writing a New Adult novel. One that’s really entertaining and personal, with a main character that’s a lot like me.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I’m going to write a list because I like lists:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:bold;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Things That Future Lovers Might Not Accept About Me

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:bold;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">- <span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">I want to be poly.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">-I feel queer-gendered, kind of like a boy, but I live as a girl.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">-I freak the hell out when songs I hate come on, and I hide in the bathroom out of discomfort.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">-I hate shaving.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">-I hold radical gender-egalitarian views and reject traditional romance, gender roles, and expectations.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">-I’m not very hygienic or social.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">-I hate euphemisms and “polite” mind games.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">12/16/13

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">My computer got moved to my room! I love it. Now I can use it all I want with no fear. It’s like being an adult. I felt so upset at my 55/57 on the big world geo test, but the bullying prevention lesson was amusing. I helped Andreana write her sentences in third period and deleted ALL my texts. Algebra was easy, as always. I kind of like math, now that I think about it. Today I did graphing calculators for fun--I want to learn more about functions. It’s like a stimulating puzzle, even though I probably won’t use it much as an adult. We heard Grandpa Lou tell the story of Romeo & Juliet in English and watched a movie adaptation. Fun class. Lance speaks Tagalog. I did the parachute thingy in science--I think Mrs. Slocum only made us do it because there was nothing else to do. Stephen Bohenek remembered my name. Does he know me as his sixth-grade science classmate, or as a weird whore? I ran straight to the park without a backpack or worries weighing me down and swung on the swings, thinking about feminism. Speaking of which, I’m not going to identify as a feminist anymore. Nuh uh. Gender-egalitarian it is. Anyway, right outside the multigen was a trash can containing delicious cream-filled churros. Yum. I’ve been trying to relax and just see the beauty in this world now. It’s been getting a bit easier, but I’m not sure. I just hope that by 2014, I will be fully relaxed and happy. It’s not something I can just make happen. I guess I’ll have to wait. Austin Jordan repulses me. I mean, he’s not bad. But I have a looming hunch that he faked or exaggerated the whole “love” thing just so he could have sex with a big-titty girl sometime in the future. He even went as far as proposing to me! Repugnant. It would have been horrible if I’d said yes. We were in love for no fucking reason. There was no chemistry; we only dated because we were the closest options. If I could date anyone I chose to and was guaranteed a wonderful relationship, I’d choose...wait, I don’t know. That’s a tough question. I think I’m too eager to fall in love. And I’m needy. Oh boy am I needy. It’s wearing off though. I still have certain triggers, but they’ll wear off someday. And if they don’t, so what?

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">12/19/13

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Gah! Have to buy Christmas presents. I’m scared. Bailey Stephens is absolutely gorgeous and seems like a wonderful guy. I wish we could date. Bradley hates me now. I started worrying about my gender identity during PE today, but it wore off. In peer advocate, I helped Nick, kind of. He broke the highlighter and went in time-out. He didn’t even do the packet later--Ms. Kenna just moved the pencil in his hand to trace my highlighted letters. After doing the ASMA in algebra, I looked through my old textbooks and wrote of list of fuckable guys in a private part of my planner. Which would sound objectifying if a guy said that about girls, but it doesn’t have to be that way. That’s why I liked DJ: unlike most other guys, he viewed me as a sexual collaborator, not a conquest. In his eyes, I was just as much a willing sexual participant as he was, and such thinking was evident in the way he treated me. He clearly showed a friend-like respect in our discussions alongside his horniness--they’re not mutually exclusive--and was always polite whenever he asked. Contrast that with Jonathan Moore, who begged me to get any phone I could when I stated I couldn’t, just for his pleasure, and acted with disgusted ridicule to my sexual interests that he didn’t like. I think rape culture mindsets kind of play into this--DJ didn’t think my sexual role negated my right to basic person-like respect, whereas Jonathan thought that I was no more than a sexual object for his pleasure and therefore was unworthy of being treated respectfully. After all, according to societal mindsets, a girl being sexual is self-disrespect and defies her own needs, so why demand respect from others? Why listen to her “needs” if her entire purpose as a sexual being is to serve the needs of others? Utter nonsense. <span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-style:italic;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">West Side Story <span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;"> in English class was pretty cool. Conrad and I had yet some more stimulating discussions. He knows about Bailey now. Shit. I also made a great comment on an anti-vaccine myth debunker, regarding how I’m on the autistic spectrum and that even if vaccines were the cause, it’s not as much of a life sentence as a potential illness.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">12/20/13

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">Today was both a happy and sad day. I’m uplifted yet my tear ducts are weighed down. Things just felt so relaxed and wondrous. I told Jake Crawford I thought he was cute. He kept walking. Peer advocate class was the best--we had Christmas treats, and Ms. Kenna gave me three candy bags. Awesome! Cory Romero looked cute, but I’d never date him. I came to the assembly late and had to sit on the ground. I cried because I was jealous of the concert choir kids and cheerleaders--crying hard. I don’t know what was running through my head, but I started using my hands to make slashing motions on my wrists and a gun-firing motion in my mouth. The principal noticed and told me not to do that, clearly shocked and concerned. Carson Thomas also asked me after the assembly. I’m scared that it might get back to the counselor. No! Please don’t! I’m NOT suicidal. I saw Bailey for the first time today. How the hell is he in both concert choir and symphonic band? He looked like an angel. I want to date him, but there’s no way to approach him without looking like a creep. I miss sixth grade, when the future seemed so bright, when I didn’t know about the real world, when everything was filtered through my imaginative perceptions. Will it get worse each year? I hope not. I’m listening to “Christmas Shoes”--beautiful song. Reminds me of my happy seventh grade days. Well, they weren’t that happy. But they seem that way looking back. Was Gabe Nicosia only propositioning me because I was known as a slut? Is it so wrong for him to do this in the first place? Adler says he hates me. I’m such a failure. I want guys to be sexually attracted to me, which will never happen. Well, I know I’m not actually a failure, but I sure as hell feel like one. <span style="font-size:19px;font-family:'TimesNewRoman';color:#000000;font-weight:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;white-space:pre-wrap;">