How X-Men: The Last Stand Should Have Ended

(Cut to STORM and PROFESSOR X)

STORM: We can’t be students forever.

PROFESSOR X (laughing): Storm, I haven’t thought of you as my student for years. I was actually thinking you might take my place someday.

(STORM turns to PROFESSOR X, a look of astonishment on her face)

STORM: But Scott’s…

PROFESSOR X: Scott’s a changed man. He took Jean’s death so hard.

(STORM shakes her head)

STORM: Actually, Scott’s been doing just fine.

PROFESSOR X (confused): What?

STORM: Just after Jean died, I got in touch with Hank and he set Scott up to meet with a therapist to help him cope with Jean’s loss.

(CYCLOPS walks by)

CYCLOPS: Hey Storm, Professor. Just off to meet with my therapist before going on a motorcycle ride.

PROFESSOR X: You wouldn’t be planning on going to the place where Jean died, are you?

CYCLOPS: Maybe.

PROFESSOR X (to STORM after CYCLOPS has gone): Well, after taking these circumstances into account, I think it would be best if you and Scott took my place together. With so many new students, Scott could still need your help.

STORM: Yeah, I think so.

(Fast forward to CYCLOPS finding Jean)

JEAN: Scott?

CYCLOPS: Jean? How?

JEAN: I don’t know.

(CYCLOPS bounces with joy)

CYCLOPS: This is wonderful! You have to come back to the mansion with me! Everyone will be so happy to see you!

JEAN (looking a little worried): You sure that’s a good idea?

CYCLOPS (taking Jean by the arm): Of course. What’s the worst that could happen?

(Cut to the X Mansion; JEAN blasts both CYCLOPS and WOLVERINE out of the medical room)

WOLVERINE: Did you ever consider the possibility this would happen?

CYCLOPS: Well…

(PROFESSOR X and STORM arrive)

PROFESSOR X: We have to hurry. If Jean isn’t stopped, she could become powerful enough to destroy entire galaxies. It might be too late.

STORM: How do you know she’s that powerful?

PROFESSOR X: Am I psychic or am I psychic? Let’s go.

(Cut to outside JEAN’S old house)

PROFESSOR X: I need to see Jean alone.

CYCLOPS: But shouldn’t we be at least close enough to help you if she tries to kill you?

STORM: Especially if she has the power to destroy entire galaxies?

PROFESSOR X: Oh, why didn’t I think of that? Good idea.

(MAGNETO floats down in front of them)

MAGENTO: Good to see you, Charles. Shall we go inside?

PROFESSOR X: I can’t stop you anyway. What the heck? Why not? After you, Erik.

(MANETO turns to JUGGERNAUT)

MAGNETO: No one gets in.

(PROFESSOR X turns back to the X Men)

PROFESSOR X: It looks like you guys might have fight your way to rescue me. Just watch out for the big guy here. He’s actually my step brother and he has a bad temper.

WOLVERINE, CYCLOPS, and STORM (at the same time): WHAAAT?!?!?

STORM: That guy’s his step brother?

CYCLOPS: Whoa.

WOLVERINE: That’s messed up.

(Fast forward back to the X Mansion)

BEAST: Charles Xavier started this school. I think it best it end with him. We’ll have to tell the students they’re going home.

(CYCLOPS stares at BEAST with incredulity)

CYCLOPS: Are you out of your furry blue mind? If we do that, it means we’ve given up! Did Ben Grimm give up because he became an ugly monster after going into space? Did Matt Murdock give up after his would-be girlfriend was murdered in front of him? No! And we’re not giving up, either!

ICE MAN: Besides, most of us don’t have homes to go to anyway. Like Rogue for instance. Speaking of which, has anyone seen Rogue lately?

WOLVERINE: Oh, yeah about that. Last night she left to go get the cure.

ICE MAN: WHAAAT! ROOOOOOGUE! I thought what we had was special!

(ROGUE walks in)

ROGUE: Hey guys, I’m back.

ICE MAN (close to tears): Is it true you got yourself cured?

ROGUE: Well, I was going to, but then I saw some girl who called herself Miss Marvel and we got into this confrontation and I permanently absorbed some of powers. Look, I can fly now.

(ROGUE flies to the ceiling)

EVERYONE ELSE: Whoa!

CYCLOPS: Good because we need your help.

WOLVERINE: Yeah. Professor Xavier’s dead, and Jean’s turned to the dark side and joined Magneto, who’s about to wage war against the rest of the world.

STORM: Want to come stop all of this with us?

ROGUE: What’s the catch?

STORM: If we fight Jean, we might all die because she has the power to destroy entire galaxies.

ROGUE: Alright, I’m in.

(Fast forward to the final battle; JEAN is losing herself in the PHOENIX)

WOLVERINE (to CYCLOPS and STORM): I’m the only one who can stop her.

(Suddenly, a dark entity called PHOENIX begins detaching itself from JEAN)

STORM: Look, the Phoenix is removing itself from Jean.

WOLVERINE: So?

CYCLOPS: Which mean you might not have to kill her after all. You can just take out Phoenix. Hurry, while it’s still vulnerable!

WOLVERINE: You got it! BERSERKER RAGE!

(Adamantium claws out, WOLVERINE jumps at PHOENIX and begins slicing and dicing; CYCLOPS and STORM watch from afar, wincing as they watch WOLVERINE go to work)

STORM: So much for the entity that can destroy entire galaxies.

CYCLOPS: I think he can stop now.

(WOLVERINE continues to slash at the destroyed PHOENIX, at least he does until JEAN walks up to him)

JEAN: Logan, I think you can stop now.

WOLVERINE: Can’t stop now. In Berserker Rage mode right now.

JEAN: But I’m fine now, Logan.

WOLVERINE: You are? Oh, okay then.

PROFESSOR X (off screen): That’s right, Logan. The Phoenix has been destroyed.

(All turn to see PROFESSOR X in his wheel chair)

JEAN: Professor? You’re alive! We thought you were dead!

PROFESSOR X: It’s okay, Jean. As you all can see, I am perfectly alive and well. So, shall we all go home to the mansion?

EVERYONE ELSE: Yeah, okay.

(Cut to the Super Café; WOLVERINE, CYCLOPS, and JEAN sit at a booth with SUPERMAN and BATMAN)

SUPERMAN: So, how have you guys been? I heard mutants have been officially accepted into society now. I bet you’re real x-cited about that aren’t, you?

(BATMAN laughs at SUPERMAN’S joke)

BATMAN: Good one.

CYCLOPS: We sure are. And now taking the cure the government created is no longer mandatory. Mutants are free to choose now.

SUERPMAN: Swell dude. Really swell.

(BATMAN stares at JEAN)

BATMAN: So, you’re not going to suddenly go out and destroy entire galaxies anymore, right?

(JEAN shakes her head)

JEAN: No, the Phoenix is gone, so now I can use my powers without all that stress of losing my mind. Gee, that was a nightmare.

CYCLOPS: So did you know about those psychic shields Xavier placed in your mind?

JEAN: Yeah, he told me about it, then asked for my permission to place those shields in my mind so he could protect me.

(CYCLOPS and WOLVERINE exchange embarrassed looks)

WOLVERINE: We should probably apologize to Xavier for yelling at him, shouldn’t we?

BATMAN: Well, you guys were complete jerks to him back in that medical room, weren’t you?

SUPERMAN: Speaking of which, where is the professor, anyway?

CYCLOPS: Well, after Magneto got injected with the cure, he and Xavier became best buddies again and chose to continue playing chess with each other. They’re back at the park right now.

(Cut to PROFESSOR X playing chess with MAGENTO at the park; MAGNETO moves one of his pieces with his newly returned magnetic powers, which PROFESSOR X does not fail to notice)

PROFESSOR X: Wait, didn’t you lose your powers after you got injected with the cure?

MAGNETO: I guess it wasn’t permanent after all. Plot hole.

(Cut back to the Super Café)

BATMAN: Hey, Wolverine, did you know there’s a metal that can destabilize the molecular bonds of any metal, including adamantium?

WOLVERINE: You’re just making that up.

BATMAN: No I’m not, and it is sure to make you bleed. And I will make sure you bleed, BECAUSE I’M BATMAN!

WOLVERINE (bringing out his claws): You want to go?

SUPERMAN: Now let’s not get into a fight, because I’ll have to side with him with anyone does anything stupid.

BATMAN: Oh it’s too late for that.

SUPERMAN: On second thought, I’m gonna stay out of this one.

WOLVERINE (to BATMAN): You’re going down, bub!

BATMAN: Says who?

(BATMAN gets hit by CYCLOPS’S Optic Blast)

CYCLOPS: Says me.

JEAN: Bet you’re glad I don’t have the power to destroy entire galaxies right now, huh?

BATMAN (groaning): Very much so, yes.

(Cue Credits)

(PROFESSOR X wheels past the café window, which WOLVERINE notices)

WOLVERINE: Hey, Professor, Scott and I are sorry we yelled at you.

PROFESSOR X: That’s okay. I really don’t think I explained myself that well anyway.

JEAN: You want to come inside, Professor?

CYCLOPS and SUPERMAN: We got coffee.

BATMAN: Coffee is good.

(MAGNETO stands next to PROFESSOR X)

MAGENTO: Agreed. Let’s go inside, Charles. Coffee is good.

PROFESSOR X: Indeed.