The Wizard of Oz Alternate HISHE

[ open on Turner Classic Movies logo ]

Announcer: Turner Classic Movies now returns to “The Wizard of Oz”. [ dissolve to scene where Dorothy steps out of the farm house after the tornado has dumped it into the magical and colorful land of Oz ]

Dorothy: Oh, my.. now I know we’re not in Kansas any more, Toto. [ Toto barks, as Glenda the Good Witch steps forward amongst the many Munchkins surrounding the house ]

Glenda the Good Witch: Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?

Dorothy: [ startled ] Who? Me? Oh, I’m not a witch at all! I’m Dorothy Gale, from Kansas! Witches are old and ugly! [ the nearby Munchkins titter at Dorothy’s assertion ]

Dorothy: Why are they laughing?

Glenda the Good Witch: They’re laughing, you see, because I’m a witch. Glenda, the Good Witch of the North.

Dorothy: Oh! Well, I-I beg your pardon! It’s just, I’ve never heard of a beautiful witch before!

Glenda the Good Witch: [ chuckles ] Only bad witches are ugly.

Dorothy: Oh! [ laughs ] Well, I guess that — Hey! Wait a second. You just asked me if I was a bad witch. What are you trying to say?

Glenda the Good Witch: [ stammering ] Oh.. uh.. geeeee..

Munchkin #1: Awk-warrrrrrrd!

Glenda the Good Witch: [ changing the subject ] Um.. look. The important thing is.. you, Dorothy Gale, are a hero to these people – for, when your house fell, you killed the Wicked Witch of the East! [ show the Wicked Witch’s shriveled legs and foot under the front of the house ]

Munchkin #2: The Witch is dead! Three cheers for Dorothy and her falling house!

Munchkins: Hip hip hooray!! Hip hip hooray!!

Munchkin #3: [ crying in horror ] Oh, my God!!!! [ show Munchkins #4, #5 and #6 trapped under the side of the house ]

Munchkin #4: My spine!!

Munchkin #5: My pelvis has been shattered!!

Munchkin #6: Will somebody raise this damn house off of me?!

Dorothy: Ohh! Ohh, my! I didn’t mean to —

Munchkin #3: Somebody, help!! Where’s Dr. Wingnut?!!

Munchkin #2: He was here just a second ago!! He was standing right over th —

[ Munchkin #2 points to the area he was standing out, now covered by the house, his legs dangling out ]

Munchkin #2: Oh, boy.. this is not good..

Munchkin #7: [ pointing to Dorothy ] This is all your fault! Do something!

Dorothy: Oh! Oh, I know! There’s a first aid kit in the house! [ Dorothy climbs up the steps of the house, putting added pressure onto the Munchkins trapped beneath the house ]

Munchkins #4, #5, #6: Owwwwww!!!! Owwwwww!!!

Munchkin #7: There’s people down there!!

Dorothy: Oh, okay! Bad idea! I’m really sorry!

Munchkin #1: Dear God, it’s worse than we thought! The entire Lollipop Guild is down there! [ show the outstretched arm of a member of the Lollipop Guild under the front of the house, trying desperately to clutch onto a lollipop ]

Dorothy: Oh! Look, look, nobody panic! We can get them out! We just have to pull! [ grabs two legs ] See! I think it’s working! 1! 2! [ gives a swift tug, as the bloody stumps come flying out ] [ the Munchkins scream in horror ]

Dorothy: Yikes! Another bad idea! Uh.. Glenda, you know magic.. could you, uh..? [ Glenda removes the hat from a Munchkin’s head, and throws up in it ]

Dorothy: O-kay.. uh.. no help there! [ chuckles ] Look, I’m just making things worse, maybe I should just go.

Munchkin #7: Oh no, you don’t! You’ve got one hell of a lawsuit on your hands, lassie!

Dorothy: Oh, come on! You’re not gonna — [ bouncy music rises, as Munchkin Lawyer and her associates enter the scene ]

Munchkin Lawyer: [ singing ]“Weeeee represent, the victims’ families! The victims’ families, the victims’ families! And in the name of victims’ families We’re gonna sue your ass in Munchkin court!”

Dorothy: What? A class action suit?!

Munchkin Lawyer: Oh, we’re gonna take you for every gumdrop you got, Sweetie!

Dorothy: Oh, this is terrible! It must be a bad dream! [ closes her eyes ] There’s no place like home.. there’s no place like home.. there’s no place like home.. [ a slow dissolve, but no change ]

Dorothy: Aw, crap!

Munchkin #7: Yeah. No go.

Munchkin #2: Nice try. Haul her off, boys! Shave her with a candy cane if she tries anything!

Dorothy: Oh! Toto! [ Dorothy is hauled away, as Darrell Hammond enters the scene ]

Darrell Hammond: Well, folks, we hope you enjoyed our little Wizard Of Oz piece. But if you want to really experience it on a whole other level, ty this: simply rewind back to the beginning of the sketch, turn the sound down, light up a fattie, watch the whole thing over again with Dark Side of the Moon playing. [ holds up the famed Pink Floyd album ] I guar-an-tee you’re going to enjoy that! I know I will!