How Kingdom Hearts III Should Have Ended

Plot
Warning: The following contains strong language and playful jabs at a video game. It is not recommended to those who cannot take a joke. Also spoilers for a game you've probably already beaten. Reader discretion is advised.

Transcript
Young Xehanort: There's a darkness we are missing and must reclaim. The way hearts connect in this world can provide us with a clue. So we made a copy of the world, and pulled those hearts apart.

Sora: Wait, you made a copy of the world?

Young Xehanort: Yes. And with it—

Sora: Okay I call shenanigans! How many powers are you just gonna make up on the fly like a god modding LARPer!? Copying whole worlds!? Time Travel!? Why don't you just force us into a card game again!? Summon Exodia and win already!

Young Xehanort: Well, if you insist. *summons a duel disk five times bigger than him* Oh right, toy-sized. *grunting while trying to draw a card* Errgh… this… may take a while.

How Kingdom Hearts III Should Have Ended

Yen Sid: But first you must regain all the strength you have lost. And master the power of waking.

Sora: So you want me to retrain myself in the "Hyperbolic Time Chamber" with Kairi and Axel? Yen Sid: Oh! I was going to suggest you spend 18 hours in random Disney worlds. But what you said is much better than my idea.

Sora: Yeah, you tend to have terrible ideas.

Yen Sid: Well I wouldn't say that.

Sora: We're only in this mess in the first place because you made me take that dumb exam to prove I'm a Keyblade Master. *starts walking away* Despite already saving the universe twice!

Yen Sid: Harsh, but not untrue.


 * FFWD HISHE VIDEO*

Sully: *throws Vanitas through door then proceeds to throw door into another door ad nauseum* Mike: *shreds final door then high fives Sully*

Vanitas: *teleports back through dark corridor* Nope!

Sora: WHAT THE—!? You can teleport!?

Vanitas: Of course. The Organization has been doing it the whole time.

Sora: Oh. Right.


 * awkward silence*

Vanitas: HYAH! *jumps forward to stab Sora*


 * FFWD HISHE VIDEO*

Fake Ansem: Where's your Keyblade?

Aqua: I don't need one. *charges Mega Flare* Because I excel at magic! *launches Mega Flare*

Fake Ansem: Oh shi— *wasted*

Aqua: KEYBLADE MASTER!


 * FFWD HISHE VIDEO*

Luxord: I must demand you give that to me.

Jack: Pardon? You must be mistaken, mate. I'll not be giving you anything.

Luxord: Then I… activate my trap card! *throws card*

Jack: What? *gets sucked into card* NOOOOOOOOO!

Luxord: I win!


 * FFWD HISHE VIDEO*

Ansem: You are completely deluded, Xehanort.

Fake Ansem: We shall soon see.

Pence: Yoo-hoo!

Fake Ansem: *blasts Pence with a ball of darkness*

Olette: AAAAAAH! *runs away*

Hayner: AW HELL NO! *runs away* ROXAS AIN'T WORTH THIS!

Ansem: XEHANORT!

Fake Ansem: I'm an evil wizard. What did you expect?


 * FFWD HISHE VIDEO*

Vanitas: *shoots fire spell at magic barrier, cracking it where Ventus is sleeping* Aqua: *jumps towards crack*

Vanitas: *shoots another spell at the same spot*

Aqua: *lands and deflects spell with her own magic shield*

Vanitas: Oh shi— *wasted*

Aqua: KEYBLADE MASTER!


 * FFWD HISHE VIDEO*

Terra-Xehanort: Today is the day you all lose.

Aqua: What!?

Terra-Xehanort: Before you even face the thirteen, every last one of you will—

Sora: RUSH HIM!


 * all the Guardians of Light charge forward and beat on Terra-Xehanort with their weapons*

Terra-Xehanort: OH! OW! OOH! OUCH! ARGH! OUCHIE OUCH!

Aqua: KEYBLADE MASTER! *goes back to pummeling*


 * FFWD HISHE VIDEO*

Sora: What's this?

Luxord: A wild card. You've earned it. Hang on to it. Could turn the tables.

Sora: Play ya again someday, when we're just— *struck dead in the head with one of Larxene's knives* AGH!

Luxord: WHA—!?

Larxene: Thanks for distracting him. You can go back to dying now.


 * FFWD HISHE VIDEO*

Eraqus: Ready, my friend?

Master Xehanort: You mean I get to go to Heaven with you?

Eraqus: Oh my, no. You tore a boy's heart in half to create a monster, manipulated a young man in order to possess his body, twice, killed me and destroyed our world, created a new type of Heartless that went on to destroy more worlds, collaborated with your various incarnations to forcefully possess people in order to reenact a war that shattered the cosmos, killed a young girl, your younger self gloated how he'll grow up to do all of that when he was defeated, you just donned Satanic armor, and even your completely out of nowhere good-intentioned goal boils down to universal genocide. You're definitely going to Hell.

Master Xehanort: What? *pops out of existence, then pops into the Underworld in Olympus*

Hades: Oh goody! Just what Apollo ordered! A new stress toy!


 * FFWD HISHE VIDEO*

But this is how it really should have ended…

Yen Sid: Today, you recuperate. On the morrow, you journey to the fated place.

Sora: Yeah I've been meaning to ask about that. Our plan is to have us seven guardians of light fight Xehanort's thirteen seekers of darkness, right?

Yen Sid: That is correct.

Sora: So we're gonna do exactly what Xehanort wants and forge the χ-blade by having light and dark clash. A fact we already know.

Yen Sid: Can you propose a better solution?

Sora: Yeah, I can.


 * cut to Keyblade Graveyard*

Master Xehanort: Legend has it that darkness once covered the— whoa!


 * pan out to show an army of angry Disney characters*

Donald: What about the order!?

Sora: The order is dumb, and you know it's dumb.

Master Xehanort: Do you think these cartoonish cretins can stand against us!?

Yen Sid: *walks into frame* Maybe we can't. *points to out of frame* But they can.
 * pan over to the Avengers*

Iron Man: We're owned by Disney too!

Master Xehanort: Oh no.


 * cut to Sora, Iron Man, Superman, and Batman at the Super Café*

Sora: And so we easily beat Xehanort and the Organization without forging the χ-blade. We even managed to bring back Terra during the battle. After that, we went back to Radiant Gardens to put the hearts of Roxas, Naminé, and this other girl we all forgot about, Xion, into replicas so they can live the life they deserve.

Iron Man: And best of all, we got a new Avenger!

Superman: Really Tony? Another minor?

Iron Man: What? This kid's saved the universe thrice now. Soon to be four times once he helps us take on Thanos again.

Batman: Yeah, because that worked so well the first time.

Superman: Hey Sora, say hi to Spider-Man for us.

Iron Man: Oh he will! Because he's gonna bring him back, along with the other Avengers with the Keyblade! Or Kingdom Hearts! Hey Sora, those things can revive people, right?

Sora: I dunno. It's hard to say since no one is ever technically dead. How does death work for you guys?

The other 3: Uuuuh…

Batman: …Anyways. Isn't there still some unresolved issues?

Sora: Like what?

Batman: Wasn't there something about a letter?

Superman: And something else about Sephiroth?

Sora: Oh, uh… yeah. That stuff probably already happened. Offscreen. In other games. That came out before I was around. Look, maybe I needed some help getting off the ground from those "Final Fantasy" guys. But now I can stand on my own.

Superman: Stand on your own?

Batman: Don't you spend 80% of your adventures reliving Disney movies?

Superman: You have been riding on two franchises' coattails for years.

Iron Man: Come on, guys. It's not cool to pick on a mentally handicapped kid. Sora: Uh, I'm not— Iron Man: Besides, he must be doing something right. His game did sell over 5 million copies. Batman: And over 6 million disappointed fans.

Superman: Oh, burn! You should totally post that.

Batman: Hehe, yeah. *pulls out Batphone and starts typing*


 * Sora's Gummiphone vibrates and looks, finding a "Kingstagram" post of the "Supa Hot Fire" gif by user "BecauseImBatman"*

Sora: Aaaand it's already trending. *sigh* Thirteen years of hype, and this is what I get. Superman: Now you know how we feel.

THE END

Well it's that time again. That random moment in life where I post something to prove I'm still lurking around, while pissing them off when it's not the next chapter of "Precocious Love". So "Kingdom Hearts III", huh? Woof. I used to be "Kingdom Hearts" trash myself before "Dream Drop Distance" drove me and half the fanbase away when it dropped that "time travel" bullshit on us. So I know what I'm talking about when I say as incomprehensible as "Kingdom Hearts'" story may seem, it's actually worse if you do understand it. All those problems pointed out in this parody? Those are just the crown moments. There are still plenty of retcons and bad writing galore! I mean I didn't even touch upon the travesty that is Kairi. Doesn't help that the game feels more like an ad for the mobile game/sequel-bait for the next game (let's be honest, it's not gonna be "Kingdom Hearts IV"). Sure the gameplay was fun, but it was way too easy and still a silver medal compared to "II". But the story is completely irredeemable. It needs a hard reboot with someone new writing it. The stinger joke is an example of how much better it can be.

Xigbar: Well, that didn't work. *Gummiphone rings before answering* Hey boss. …Yeah, plan failed.

Kylo Ren: *from the other line in a Star Destroyer* I see. Well as long as those fools remain in the dark. We have many backup plans to secure Kingdom Hearts. And it will lead us… to a greater power.


 * pans over to computer screen displaying the Bill Cipher Zodiac, then transitions to the same Zodiac, only on parchment being held by someone*

Indiana Jones: *speaking into a Gummiphone* I understand. Don't worry, Bill's going to stay right where he is. I have to go now, I'm having lunch with an old friend soon. *hangs up*


 * Indy walks up to a house and rings the doorbell. The door opens*

Indiana Jones: Well Seymour, I made it. Despite your directions.

Principal Skinner: Ah, Prof. Jones, welcome! I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon!