Pearl Pitstall

BIOS
Drawn to Murder: Pearl's tendency to be more concerned with her looks than racing makes her odds of winning bleak. One day, in one of her races, this southern belle made the controversial, kid-unfriendly mistake of accidentally causing the gruesome end of one of her racing opponents, which ultimately led to her show being cancelled, and is now involved in a new, carless venture where other cartoon characters fight to the death... not that she minds.

SPECIAL MOVES

 * Shot from the Heart: Pearl takes a hair-dryer "gun" out of hammerspace, then fires a heart "bullet" from it at her opponent. Meter Burn causes her to fire two additional hearts and the projectiles to travel faster than normal. Can also be done in midair.
 * Wash This: Pearl jumps into her Compact Vagina and fires shampoo foam from its weapons compartment at her opponent, pushing them away and knocking them down onto the ground. Meter Burn increases the damage and range of this special move.
 * Flare Spray: Pearl jumps into her Compact Vagina, lights a match, throws it at her opponent, then fires hairspray from its weapons compartment, which catches fire upon contact with the match, and if the opponent is within its range, they go into a "burning" state. Meter Burn increases the damage and range of the move, as well as the duration of the "burning."
 * Umbrella Shield: Pearl produces the parasol hidden inside her car and opens it in front of her, enabling her to block most attacks and deflect projectiles back at the opponent for two seconds. Meter Burn adds two additional seconds shield time.

HYPER-TOONS

 * Hit an' Run: Pearl whistles for the Compact Vagina, which drives promptly into the fight and which she gets into, then hits the accelerator and charges at her opponent while still inside the car, during which she calls out, "Yer gonna be eatin' burned rubber!" dealing five hits total if it connects, followed by running them over, causing them to go into a "slowed" state.
 * Never Saw it Coming: Pearl jumps into her car, during which she declares, "Better watch the road!" followed by firing four buzzsaws from its weapon compartment to encircle her opponent and slice at them multiple times for six hits total, which also "bleeds" them.

LEVEL 3 HYPER-TOON

 * Road Rage: Pearl whistles for her Compact Vagina, then jumps into it, during which she declares, "Ya got your ride ready?", then fires a mud face pack from its weapons compartment at her opponent, leaving them stuck in place. Then, as they struggle with their legs stuck in the mud trap, she continues on, "No? You ain't got no car? Well, in that case...", followed by parodies of the other Wacky Races racers zipping past her and her opponent in their racecars. The Slag Brothers parodies whack the character on the receiving end of this Level 3 Hyper-Toon with their wooden clubs, freeing them from the mud, knocking them backwards, and sending them flying through the air and into the path of the Ant Hill Mob expies, who take out their Tommy guns, point them upwards to where they are, and shoot at them, riddling them with bullets and causing blood to spray out of them, then the Sergeant Blast calls out, "Fire!", causing a cannonball to shoot from his turret at the opponent, and lastly, Pearl, declaring as she does so, "Yer fuckin' disqualified!", drives at the foe at extreme velocity, sending them flying upwards and rapidly spinning multiple times until they hit the arena "floor."

DEANIMATIONS

 * What a Drag: Pearl takes a giant version of her heart-shooter gun out of hammerspace and knocks out her opponent with it, during which we fade to black for a second, after which the unfortunate loser wakes up, their legs strapped to the underside of the Compact Vagina. She then proceeds to drive at breakneck speed, during which she says, "Get ready to hit the road, sugah!" dragging the character on the receiving end of this Deanimation behind her and grinding their face, arms, and torso against the ground, shredding off their flesh, grinding their skull, ribcage, and arm and hand bones into dust, and causing their eyeballs to fall out and smearing their blood across the arena "floor." After the Deanimation, Pearl stops and gets out of the car, at which point only the defeated opponent's legs and part of their arms, head, and torso remain, then looks at them and says, "Eww, what a fuckin' mess." Must be performed at sweep distance.
 * Damaged Beyond Repair: Pearl walks over to her Compact Vagina, which we pan left to, and, upon doing so, notices it is damaged and malfunctioning and, with a wrench and a screwdriver, tries with all her effort to fix it, but to no avail. She then walks over to her opponent and gives her opponent said tools, telling them, "Here, you fix it, darlin'." The further Pearl is from the losing character when she performs this Deanimation, the further she walks towards them. The defeated opponent then complies with her request, then walks over to the malfunctioning vehicle and tries and struggles to repair it, just as Pearl did before she handed over the wrench and screwdriver to them, then, six seconds later, the car explodes with the character on the receiving end of this finishing move in its range, sending them flying through the air and causing them to get realistic third-degree burns all over their body and their head, spine still attached, to partially separate from the rest of them. Pearl, looking at the flaming metal rubbish that was once the Compact Vagina, covers her mouth with shock, kneels down, and buries her face in her hands crying. Can be performed at any distance.

PACIFIST ACT

 * Ghostin': Pearl calls out, "Hit it!", then she puts on her goggles, followed by her putting a sunglass layer on top of it, strobe lights light up at the top of the screen, and a snippet of T-wayne's "Fuck Russ" starts playing, then her Compact Vagina drives in circles without her operating it, during which she dances hip-hop style. Must be performed at jump distance.

WIN QUOTES
(generic) Mah Compact Vagina ain't just a car. It's somethin' worth crushin' the competition with!

(generic) Sweet Jeezus, what the FUCK!? You done make me broke a nail durin' the fight!

(generic) All this fightin' ain't good fer mah looks. Nor was fightin' me good fer yers!

(mirror match) What's the big idea, makin' yerself up to look like me, bitch!? Yer gonna hear from mah lawyer!

MISC. INFO
Voice Actress: Kath Soucie

Rival: Jerrica Bunny

Intro Sequence: Pearl drives into the fight in her Compact Vagina, then steps out of the vehicle, declaring, "First to the finish wins, darlin'!", and goes into her fighting stance.

Round Win Sequence: Pearl flicks her hair back twice, saying as she does so, "Hope ya didn't fuck up mah looks," before going into her fighting stance again.

Outro Sequence: Pearl gets into her Compact Vagina and fires up the engine, during which she says, "Ain't never made it past the finish line, have ya?" then winks and drives off.

DEBUFF REACTIONS
Bleeding: The FUCK!? Mah skin always needs to look its best!

Burning: Aw, shit, shit, shit! Was mah 'dresser careless with the dryer again?!

Shocked: Geez, I oughta be more careful fixin' mah ride!

Grossed Out: Ugh, God, did I done drove too fast?

Frozen: Brrrrrr... I hope mah tires are winter-ready...

Enraged: Yer askin' to be roadkill!

Slowed: Aw, God, I knew I shouldn'ta drove into that oil puddle...

Confused: Oh, fuck, where am I drivin'?

In Love: Such a romantic feelin'...

PROLOGUE
(We cut to a white book with a hot pink-colored spine on a floral pattern. On the cover are the words "THE STORY OF PEARL PITSTALL." The book slowly opens, taking us to a cartoon illustration of Pearl, without her boots, resting her bare feet on the windshield of her car as she applies nail polish to her toenails, at which time Peter, the foot-fetishist hobo, from my own Bout of the Century, stares at her feet, much to her annoyance.)

All of her life, Pearl Pitstall has been too concerned with maintaining her beautiful looks than focusing on the race, given the fact that her prized racecar, the Compact Vagina, is essentially a beauty parlor on wheels. This makes her chances of winning in the racing circuit highly doubtful.

(The page turns in the book to reveal a cartoon illustration of Pearl, while racing, holding her arm out in the breeze to dry newly-applied nail polish, which one of the racers mistakes for a turn signal, only to end up driving into a tree, getting his face and chest gorily caved in in the process.)

One day, during one of our races, she, while holding her arm out in the breeze to dry newly-applied nail polish. One of the racers made a literally fatal error in mistaking that for a turn signal and got killed as a result, which Standards and Practices absolutely did not allow on children's TV.

(The page turns in the book again, but this time, a cartoon illustration of Pearl racing in the mountainous landscape shown on her bio card.)

With no other place to go now that the show she once called home, "Weird Races," is cancelled, Pearl has recently discovered a new kind of pastime free of the rules of kids' cartoons: battling against other cartoon characters until, ultimately, one of them maims the shit out of the other.

RIVAL BATTLE - vs. Jerrica Bunny
(Cut to a theatre stage in front of a row of seats, where Pearl just parked her Compact Vagina against Jerrica's round, squishy butt.)

Pearl: (getting out of her car) Hey, sorry to park near yer... y'know, assets. Let's hope ya don't smack the literal shit outta me.

Jerrica: Bitch, you'd better choose your words carefully.

Pearl: Ain't never done applied to the genie incident on Vancouver's skid row.

(A cutaway gag takes us to the intersection of E. Hastings Street and Main Street in Vancouver, just outside the Four Directions Community Economic & Employment Development Centre, where a homeless, scraggly-bearded Canadian is seen holding a genie lamp he just fished out of the trash while going through it.)

Canadian Hobo: (rubbing the lamp, causing a purple, Will Smith-looking genie to come out of it) I wish that I were the mosht attractive man in the world.

Genie (voiced by Phil LaMarr): Y'know, there's a loooooot of gray area in "most attractive man in the world," a'ight? So, if you meant to say, "most magnetic man in the world," then... Granted. (snaps his fingers)

Canadian Hobo: (examining himself) Hm? I don't look no different. (a car with an Asian woman inside, driving, passes by, then flies right side-first into the homeless man)

Asian-Canadian Woman: Whoa!

Canadian Hobo: Aw, fuck. (the car then lands onto him, pinning him against the outside of the building and reducing all but his head, arms, and legs to a gory mess, staining the outside with blood in the process, which scares some of the other Canadians witnessing it, and causing him to drop the lamp)

Asian-Canadian Woman: (getting out of her car, then picking up the lamp and rubbing it) Hmm... What should I wish for? Wait... I've got it! I wish to hold infinite wealth.

Genie: Looooootta gray area in that wish, but... OK. Granted. (snaps his fingers, and the woman starts vomiting a stack of Canadian dollar bills, which then get stuck in her jaws. Her arms, legs, face, and torso then, in an X-ray cut of her body, start to balloon up with more Canadian dollar bills until she gets so fat that she explodes into a gory mess, leaving the now-bloody money she filled up with behind, and the lamp falls onto the sidewalk again)

Canadian Man #1: Hey, look, buddehs! Free money!

Canadian Man #2: And it's all ours! (they and the other Canadians then, in a frenzy, pick up some of the money that just fell on the sidewalk) ...Oh, there's some blood on it that needs cleaning off, though.

(Then, a Punjabi man in a black pagri walks in and picks up the lamp.)

Punjabi-Canadian Man: It's mine! All mine! (rubbing the lamp) I wish that everything I touch would turn to gold.

Genie: Granted. (snaps his fingers)

Punjabi-Canadian Man: Does that include me?

Genie: Yes, even when you touch your dick at night.

Punjabi-Canadian Man: Ohohoho! (touches a nearby bus stop, then a fire hydrant, then a lamppost with traffic lights and a don't walk/walk street sign on it, turning all of them to gold, then vigorously both his hands together, gradually turning to gold himself) Hahahahahaha! Hahahahahaha... Oh, fuck. (freezes in place as he completely becomes a gold statue)

(Cut back to the rival battle.)

Pearl: So, anyways... Just 'cause this ain't no race... (going into her fighting stance) don't mean I ain't gonna win this!

Jerrica: Think you can beat my ass, pretty girl? (goes into her fighting stance as well) We'll see about that.

FINAL BOSS BATTLE - vs. The Nothingness
(After the fight, a badly-beaten Jerrica is down on one knee and one hand.)

Pearl: Hun, I gotta admit... You ain't done held back in that non-race we done had just now.

Jerrica: You're not too bad, either. Listen, I've got to get back home to Nwotnoot and let the bruises from that fight heal. Especially the ones on my boobies.

Pearl: A'ight, you go ahead an' do that. I'm just gonna...

(A portal then materializes under Pearl's feet, and she falls into it, screaming as she does so, during which the background turns completely black. Four seconds later, she falls hard onto the rocky terrain of the Nothingness' cave, creating a hole in the shape of her body there, then gets out of the hole and onto the rocky terrain.)

Pearl: I knew I shoulda gotten my pit crew on this before I done got here...

(Then, the Nothingness shows up out of nowhere, approaching Pearl.)

Nothingness: Well, fuck my ass and say I'm your bitch! I didn't expect to see one of you has-been TV cartoon stars in person.

Pearl: Listen, hun, I don't know who you are, but if ya even think 'bout puttin' cartoonkind at risk, yer gonna be sorry.

Nothingness: Says the pretty girl who had to go and send that one racer driving into that one tree to his death.

Pearl: I swear, it was an accident. It happens every goddamn time I hold mah arm out in the breeze to dry mah nail polish durin' races.

Nothingness: Yes, I am well aware of the controversial and kid-unfriendly nature of what you did wrong that fried up many young kids' little brains, upset many moms and dads, and got your show cancelled. And, why the fuck does EVERYONE irrationally stereotype TV cartoons as "kiddy shit?" I mean, there's South Park, and Rick and Morty, and shit for fuck's sake!

Pearl: I'm tellin' ya, sugah, ya ain't no Obscured Talon, but that ain't gonna stop me from foilin' yer plans!

Nothingness: Hey, I've got an idea for a new show for you, free from all the restrictions Standards and Practices put on kids' TV shows... "The Perils of Pearl Pitstall!" On it, you'll spend episode after episode bound and gagged, then forced to lay on train tracks, or as bait for rabid dogs that want to eat you, piece by piece, while completely naked, or whatever other shit they throw at you. And, then, I'll record and download all that shit off Netfilmz and watch it every. Fucking. Day. For the rest of my life! How about that?

Pearl: Now, now, let's not get overindulgent, 'less you're my grandpa when he done tried the seniors' buffet at the Greasy Spoon.

(In a cutaway gag, Pearl's grandfather and his also-elderly friend are seen hungrily munching on bowls of rice pudding at the Greasy Spoon diner.)

Greasy Spoon Owner: Hey, wrinkledick! Why're you and your bingo buddy here taking all the rice pudding from the buffet?

Grandpa Pitstall: 'Cuz seniors eat dessert free at this here 'stablishment! Don't you whippersnappers get it?

Greasy Spoon Owner: Yeah, I know, but you're supposed to buy an entree FIRST!

Grandpa Pitstall's Friend: We did. I done had a country-fried steak dinner in here last week.

(Back to the final boss battle.)

Pearl: An', when I'm finished beatin' ya shitless, (goes into her fighting stance) yer gonna finish dead last!

Nothingness: You'd better be prepared for what's about to happen should you lose this final boss battle. (going into his fighting stance) Today won't be a lucky day for all of cartoonkind!

ENDING
Nothingness: No! How dare you...?! (singing) Oh, what a world, what a world! I'm getting fucking erased! Who would've thought a twat like you could beat the shit out of my.... faaaaaace? (disappears completely once the erasers have finished erasing him)

(Later, we cut to Pearl on the side of the mountain race course, sitting at the wheel of her Compact Vagina, with her hands on the steering wheel, her head hung low in shame over the accidental murder she committed as she reflects on all of that.)

Pearl: (narrating) I done thought I did what cartoon executives done said was OK an' mandatory fer kids to see when they sit with their wide eyes glued to their TV sets an' forget that they gon' be late fer school, an' that they done got homework, an' dinner, an' bedtime, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.... until that one incident that done got mah show pulled off the air. 'Cause-a what I done done wrong that scared the shit outta the kids watchin' ma show an' brought waves of angry mamas and papas, who done protested against the swearin', an' nudity, an' gore, an' other explicit content that up an' popped up right the fuck outta nowhere on that show an' other kids' shows, it's in this here game I'm s'posed to stay. It should go without sayin' that any fella who plays Drawn to Murder while under the age-a 18 might risk gettin' their ass grounded 'less their parents an' guardians are irresponsible an' idiotic enough to let them play M-rated games, but if I did continue actin' as kid-unfriendly as all them other cartoons whose asses I done kicked all the way to the final boss battle do, would I be as bad an influence on kids as them and this game? Ah, who gives a fuck about the ground rules Standards and Practices done set that prevent content as age-inappropriate content as all that from bein' shown? I know just where those rules don't apply, no how!

(Pearl then walks into to a rundown city that looks like it wouldn't be too out of place in Ralph Breaks the Internet 's "Slaughter Race.")

Pearl: Seems to me I ain't on "Weird Races" no more. Where the fuck am I?

(Then, right out of nowhere, an early-to-mid-30s African-American woman with dark brown, waist-length dreadlocks in a black leather vest with a cleavage-showing, midriff-baring, flame-patterned bikini top underneath, as well as spiked black leather arm bands, frayed, faded blue jeans, and a pair of black leather boots shows up right out of nowhere. Behind her are a group of four tattooed, ugly-clothes-wearing people of different genders.)

Skull (voiced by Tiffany Haddish): Hey, who's the new girl here?

Pearl: Mah name's Pearl Pitstall, y'all.

Skull: Name's Skull, Queen of the Street. An', "Pearl Pitstall?" Girlfriend, that's the stupidest-ass fuckin' name I ever done heard. I bet your folks woulda gotten a few choice words from the Stupid Baby Name Police.

(A cutaway gag takes us to a maternity ward, where a woman has just given birth and is holding her newborn baby, with her husband at her side.)

Doctor: Congratulations, ma'am. It's a boy.

New Mom: (to her newborn baby son) We'll call you Zagnut.

Stupid Baby Name Cop: (showing up out of nowhere pointing a gun at the new mom) Not on my watch, bitch! Now, freeze! You're under arrest!

New Mom: (as another Stupid Baby Name Cop takes her by the wrists and handcuffs her) Aagh!

(Back to the adults-only cartoon show.)

Skull: So, from now on, you gon' be known as Pearlanha. How 'bout that?

Pearlanha: Hey, that don't sound bad. Any other changes you fellers wanna make to me?

(What happens next is Skull's friends strip the newly-christened Pearlanha down to her bra and panties, then tattoo her, shave an undercut into the left side of her head, dye the right side of her hair hot pink, pierce her ears and nose, and dress her in a hot pink, cleavage-showing, midriff-baring bikini top, short black leather shorts, spiked black leather armbands, fishnet stockings, black high-heel sandals, and a red and white gangster bandanna around her head.)

Skull: Girl, we made you look like one of us on the outside, but we ain't done changed nuthin' on the inside. Now, you wanna be grimdark, you gotta ACT grimdark, 'cause this ain't kids' TV no mo'. You in an AO cartoon now. That means you get to cuss, get sexy, and smash the fuckin' shit outta the other guy as much as you goddamn well want.

Pearlanha: Really? Ya mean it?

Skull: Abso-fuckin'-lutely. Welcome to Death Drive.

''(Some time later, a race ensues in the city, with Pearlanha partaking in it in her new, flame-patterned lowrider, which replaces the Compact Vagina, with Disturbed's "Down with the Sickness" playing in the background.) Death Drive Commentator: (off-screen)'' My, my, who do we have here? Why, it's the newest addition to the Death Drive race lineup, Pearlanha, who, I'm sure as all fuck, has managed to drop her kid-friendly image and grow up. (as another racer, male with tattoos, a black tanktop with a white skull on it, ugly jeans, and a green mohawk zips past Pearlanha) Ooh, looks like Mohawk's trying to take the lead from her!

Pearlanha: (taking a shotgun out of her car's weapons compartment in preparation to shoot and kill Mohawk) How'd ya like to eat lead, sugah? (pulls the trigger, blowing Mohawk's head into a gory mess and causing his now-headless corpse to lose control of his car and crash into a lamppost) Just like Skull done taught me, y'all: When in doubt, go fer the head!

Death Drive Commentator: And just like that, Mohawk is gone! Un-fucking-believable! Pearlanha: (narrating as she continues driving and killing her racing opponents with her new weapons) Y'know, becomin' part of this "Death Drive" ain't just done changed me fer the better, it also made me forget about an' move on from the kiddy-shit show I done once called home! I ain't lyin'. An', I guarantee that anyone past puberty will get to see me again in the next episodes in the comin' weeks!

(Cut to pre-credits roll, where a twisted cartoon theme starts playing as we are treated to short animations of all the characters, shown in full-body, in the "stages" shown in their HeroMachine renders, with the names of their voice actors/actresses, of whom cartoon versions walk in, on their left or right on a blank sheet of white paper. Afterwards, the credits start rolling and the song continues playing.)