Ultima: Villain Interviews

Ultima: Villain Interviews is a story in Ultima that depicts Pete, Hamsterviel, and Mojo Jojo accepting or declining villains into The Organization.

Script
(Pete, Mojo Jojo, and Hamsterviel enter the Dark Room where Maleficent was waiting for them.)

Pete: Did you call us Maleficent?

Maleficent: As a matter of fact, I did. As you all know, our Organization is rapidly growing. But we need to know what all of our members are capable of. You're new job is to pay a visit to all of our newest members and see what they can do.

Hamsterviel: WHAT? This is an outrage! I did not sign up for this stinking Organization just to get demoted to. ..

Maleficent: SILENCE!

Pete: Our apologies Maleficent.

Maleficent: Now go! Get aquainted with some new friends.

Mojo Jojo: I don't know. Mojo Jojo is not liking this task. For I fear this may be difficult, meaning it will not be easy at all.

Pete: Aw, don't sweat it! It can't be that hard. So Maleficent. How many villains do we have to meet?

Maleficent: Here is a list.

(Maleficent hands Pete a the list of villains. It is very, very, very, very, very, very, long.)

Pete: Ho, boy.

Hamsterviel: You just had to open your big mouth, DIDN'T YOU!

(The three villains enter a small room with a long table and three chairs for the villains to sit in. Plus one chair for the villain they are interviewing.)

Mojo Jojo: So who is first on this list?

Pete: Hmmm. Some alien named Zim. It says here that he is from a race of aliens called Irks and has a robot sidekick named GIR.)

Hamsterviel: Well send him in! I want to get these interviews over with!

Pete: Alright, alright. Eeesh!

(The door opens, and walking in was Zim along with GIR.)

Zim: Hello fellow villains! I AM ZIM!

Pete: Alright. Take a seat.

(Zim sits down and faces the three. GIR just jumped onto the table and stood on his head.)

GIR: You all look ceilingy!

Pete: Uh, right. So why did you want to join the Organization?

Zim: Isn't it obvious? I want to crush those filthy humans into a pulp! I will try any means necessary to make them SUFFER, SUFFER, SUFFER, SUFFER, SUFFER and in case they haven't suffered enough already, SUFFER!

GIR: Suffer taste goooooood.

Hamsterviel: Do you have any enemies we should worry abo. . ..

Zim: DIB!

Hamsterviel: Let me finish my sentences, will ya?

GIR: Aw. Little gerbil mad.

Hamsterviel: I'M A HAMSTER! GET THAT ROBOT OUT OF HERE!

Mojo Jojo: Well Zim. Do you have any weapons, with which to destroy your adversaries and the adversaries of others as well?

Zim: Of course I do. BEHOLD!

(Zim pulls out a small, round, toy moose. All three of them looked dumbfounded when they see the moose.)

Mojo Jojo: You intend to destroy your enemies with a moose?

Zim: Not just a moose. This is MINI MOOSE!

Mini Moose: (squeak)

Pete: Uh, OK. We're done here.

Zim: Wait, wait! I can also disguise myself as a human! Watch!

(Zim puts on his human disguise and GIR puts on his dog disguise.)

Zim: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Where is Zim now you ask? Well I'm RIGHT HERE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Pete: OK. Out you go.

Zim: WAIT! I can also do THIS with my PAK!

(Zims backpack sprouts robotic spider legs which he uses to poke the three villains.)

Pete: OW! OW! OK! OUT!

Zim: WAIT! I.. .

Hamsterviel: NOW!

(The villains throw Zim out of the room. GIR follows.)

GIR: WHEEE! FLYYYYYIIIIIIIIIING!

(Pete shuts the door and walks back to his chair.)

Pete: Well, that was easy, right?

Hamsterviel: Speak for yourself! Send the next one in!

(The door opens, and in walks a big mechanical droid.)

Pete: OK. So, General Grievous, is it?

Grievous: Yes.

Hamsterviel: Wait! General Grievous you say? I've heard so much about your work! You're one of my favorite villains.

Grievous: Let's just get it done!

Pete: OK. So Grievous, why did you join the Organization.

Grievous: At first, it was to take my revenge on Obiwan and Anakin. But then I realized they had passed away while I was out of commission. Without my rivals, I don't think I had a reason to exist anymore, until Maleficent gave me an offer I had to take. Universal takeover. And now, without those Jedi standing in my way, I can continue my reign unchallenged.

Pete: That is not entirely true Grievous. You see, we all have enemies. And our enemies become everyone elses enemies. And who knows? You might make new enemies in the process as well.

Grievous: They will not stop me. I will slice my way through every one of them if I have to!

Mojo Jojo: Well then. Perhaps you would like to show us a sample of your abilities?

(To Grievous' surprise, laser guns appeared from the ceiling and pointed at Grievous. Quickly, he got out of his chair and his four arms brought out four lightsabers which he uses to defect every laser that dares try to hit him. Grievous jumped into the air and sliced all the lasers until they were all destroyed. Pete, Mojo, and Hamsterviels jaws dropped after seeing that display of combat.)

Hamsterviel: Didn't I tell you he was good?

Pete: What do you like about this Grievous guy anyways?

Hamsterviel: We both have a lot in common! He wants to rule the galaxy as much as I do.

Pete: I thought it was because you both have explosive tempers.

Hamsterviel and Grievous: WHAT WAS THAT?

(Both Hamsterviel and Grievous give Pete an angry glare as they threaten to pummel him.)

Pete: Whoa! Uh, let's not blow this outta proportion fellas. Heh, heh, heh.

(The two beat the crap out of Pete while Mojo tries not to watch the graphic violence going on. After the harsh beating, Grievous leaves the room, and the three get ready to meet the next villain. However, when the door opened, no one entered. They can hear the sound of footsteps, but couldn't see anything.)

Hamsterviel: Where is he?

Mojo Jojo: Maybe he is invisible?

Pete: Ha! That's preposter. . ..

?: BOO!

Pete: AUGH!

(Pete falls right out of his seat as a long purple lizard popped up out of nowhere right in front of him.)

Randall: Hahahahahaha! I just love a good scare!

Mojo Jojo: Please have a seat Randall Boggs.

(Randall sat down in his chair.)

Mojo Jojo: Randall Boggs. Why did you join the Organization?

Randall: To be the scariest monster in the world! Scarier than Sulley even.

Hamsterviel: Sulley? Who is he?

Randall: Just the biggest jerk-off in the world! Everyday, he breaks the all time scare record, and I always come second. And when I returned to Monsters Inc. you'll never believe what just happened! He turned it into a laughingstock; LITERALLY! I mean, come on! Making kids laugh? We are monsters! We SCARE! And so I broke Waternoose out of jail and we heard about that whole Organization that's been going around.

Hamsterviel: I can feel your anger. If you want a kid to scare, there's always the little earth brat, Lilo.

Randall: Actually, the only thing on my mind right now is destroying that big, blue, throw rug! I was his fault I ended up in that human world! Do you realize how many childrens doors I had to get through to make it back to Monstropolis? A LOT!

Pete: Easy there lizard boy. You sound like a perfect villain. After all, there are a lot of villains out there whose arch enemies are kids. I know you'll be a perfect accomplice for them.

Randall: Hmm. I like the way you think. Today: scaring kids. Tomorrow: Crushing Sulley! OK, I'm done.

Pete: Good-bye!

(Randall walks out the door, and the three wait for the next villain to arrive.)

Pete: Now who's next?

Mojo Jojo: Some big monster named Kevin 11.

Hamsterviel: OH, NO! NOT HIM!

Pete: Why not? He seems formidable.

Hamsterviel: Have you seen his future self? He turns GOOD! And he's not even a monster anymore, just a matter absorbing super hero!

Pete: Maleficent said she'd take care of that problem.

Hamsterviel: Well either way, I don't trust him!

Mojo Jojo: Quiet. Here he comes.

(A huge monster with four arms, black arm insect-like wings, a tail, sharp teeth, and various other features entered the room.)

Pete: So Kevin 11, why are you here?

Kevin 11: The same reason you are all here. I know you want to destroy that mouse, you want to rule a city, and you're trying to conquer the galaxy.

Hamsterviel: You want to destroy that Tennyson kid, right?

Kevin 11: Duh!

Mojo Jojo: So Kevin, how is life in the Organization so far?

Kevin 11: It's OK I guess. Azula and Slade were very powerful, though there are a few that really tick me off!

Pete: Let me guess. Does his name begin with "Z" and end with "im"?

Kevin 11: If I hear him bragging about himself one more time, I'll rip out his vocal cords!

Pete: We all do Kevin. We all do.

Kevin 11: Well, I'm done here. Gotta see if I can finally get a date with that fire princess.

Hamsterviel: Looking like that? Keep dreaming.

(Kevin 11 exits the room, and the next one comes in. However, nobody sees him.)

Mojo Jojo: Where is he?

Hamsterviel: Is he another invisible bad guy? We've already met one!

?: Ahem!

(Pete, Mojo Jojo, and Hamsterviel hear where the noise came from and look down on the floor. On the floor, they see a small toy with a wind-up key in its back.)

Kilgore: Greetings fellow villains! I am KILGORE!

(The villains faces were blanked out for a moment then they all burst into laughing.)

Kilgore: HEY! Cut that out! Kilgore refuses to be a laughingstock! You will fear me! FEAR ME!

Pete: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OK! OK! THAT'S ENOUGH! HAHAHA!

(They both stopped laughing.)

Pete: So, (chuckle) Kilgore, is it?

Kilgore: Yes! I am Kilgore! Master of evil! Leader of Darkness! No one will be safe from my undying wrath! I will rule ALL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Hamsterviel: Do you have any weapons (smirk) Kilgore?

Kilgore: Indeed I do!

(Kilgore pulls out a small water pistol and fires it. Only a small amount was squirted from it.)

Kilgore: SURRENDER!

(The villains try to hold back their laughing.)

Pete: OK Kilgore. (chuckle) I think we're through here.

Kilgore: Thank fellow villains. You shall not be disappointed!

(Kilgore walks out of the room. And when he does, Hamsterviel, Mojo Jojo, and Pete fall right out of their seats laughing their heads off.)

Hamsterviel: HAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT WAS SOOOOO PATHETIC!

Mojo Jojo: I know! HAHA! It's hard to believe that robot girl, whom I have yet to meet has the hardest time fighting him!

Pete: Oh, I can imagine! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

(When the villains finally stop laughing, they get back in their seats waiting for the next person. Walking in the room was a man wearing a toilet paper helmet, and a toilet seat around his neck.)

Toilenator: Hi guys! I.. .

Pete, Mojo Jojo, and Hamsterviel: NEXT!

(Pete pressed a button and a trap door appeared right beneath the Toilentator. He fell down screaming at the top of his lungs. When he fell, another villain entered the room. A dog-faced woman wearing a red shirt, and blue dress, and a hat with a flower on it. She also wore a mask over her face. Following her were several other dog-faced men who wore green hats, red shirts, blue pants, and back masks on their faces as well.)

Hamsterviel: Welcome to the Organization Ma Beagle and the Beagle Boys.

Ma Beagle: Pleasure's all mine. Take a seat boys.

Babyface: But there's only one chair.

Ma Beagle: Then sit on the floor! I don't care!

(They did exactly that and sat down on the floor, while Ma Beagle sat on the chair.)

Pete: That's quite a family you have there.

Ma Beagle: Thank you.

Hamsterviel: And what are their names?

Ma Beagle: OK boys! Introduce yourselves!

(The Beagle Boys stood up and introduced themselves.)

Babyface: I'm Babyface Beagle!

Bigtime: Bigtime Beagle!

Baggy: Duh. . .I'm Baggy Beagle!

Bouncer: Bouncer Beagle!

Bugle: Bugle Beagle!

Bankjob: Bankjob Beagle!

Burger: Burger Beagle! Which reminds me, I'm hungry. When do we eat?

Ma Beagle: Quiet son!

Mojo Jojo: We've heard about what you do. And we must say Maleficent is quite impressed. If she weren't impressed, you wouldn't even be in the Organization.

Babyface: Well that sure was lucky of us.

Baggy: Duh, I know!

Bouncer: Yeah. They let almost anyone join the Organization.

Hamsterviel: WE DO NOT!

Ma Beagle: Oh yeah? What about that green alien?

Pete: You met him?

Bigtime: Yes! He was very annoying!

Mojo Jojo: Everybody thinks he is annoying!

Pete: Well as you know you guys, you're all going to be up against all kinds of meddling heroes from other worlds.

Bankjob: Dah, we can take em'! Let me at em'! Let me at em'!

Ma Beagle: As long as we win, we have nothing to worry about. Come on boys!

Babyface: OK Ma!

(Ma Beagle and the Beagle Boys walk out of the room.)

Mojo Jojo: Wow. A family of criminals. A perfect addition to our Organization.

Pete: OK, who's next.

(The door opens and in walks the Toilenator again.)

Toilenator: Hi guys!

Pete, Mojo Jojo, and Hamsterviel: NEXT!

(Pete presses the button again and the Toilentator falls down the trapdoor again.)

Hamsterviel: This guy is starting to become a pest.

(The door opens up and in walks a little girl wearing a pink dress and yellow locks of hair.)

Hamsterviel: Is this a joke?

Pete: Nope. Her name is on the list. See? Darla Dimple.

Mojo Jojo: Whatever. Let's just get this one over with. Have a seat Miss Dimple.

(Darla sat down in her seat and faced the three villains.)

Pete: So, why are you in the Organization?

Darla: Why it's so silly you should ask. I just want to have my revenge on all talking animals! Especially DANNY!

Hamsterviel: Danny Phantom?

Darla: NO! It's that cat who ruined my career! I will do whatever it takes to get back at him.

(Mojo Jojo whispered into Petes ear.)

Mojo Jojo: She's hot-tempered like Hamsterviel.

Hamsterviel: What? What were you whispering to him?

Mojo Jojo: Nothing! Nothing at all.

Darla: So, am I in?

Pete: Well Darla, see the thing is, you're a little too young to be in the Organization. Nothing personal.

Darla: None taken. Oh, Max.

Hamsterviel: Max?

(The ground began to shake as a huge gorilla wearing a butler suit stomped into the room. The three villains went pale when they saw the huge figure looking down on them.)

Max: You've got a problem Miss Dimple?

Darla: As a matter of fact, I do Max. It's those three.

(Max glared at them while the villains were almost screaming in terror.)

Pete: Uh, did I say you couldn't join? Oh, silly me! You're in! You're in! Heh, heh.

Darla: Why thank you very much. MAX, LET'S GO! OUR REVENGE AWAITS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Darla Dimple and Max walk right out of the room leaving the three villains paralyzed in fear.)

Mojo Jojo: She's good.

(Pete and Hamsterviel nodded in agreement. The door opened up, and Toilenator walked into the room for the third time.)

Pete, Mojo Jojo, and Hamsterviel: NEXT!

Toilentator: NO WAIT!

(But Pete pressed the button again and. . .ah, you know the rest. Anyways, when he fell down, the next villain walked in the room. A cockroach wearing a long purple cape.)

Pete: Welcome Carl.

Carl: That's CARL THE EVIL COCKROACH WIZARD to you!

Hamsterviel: Just show us what you can do!

Carl: Gladly!

?: NOT SO FAST!

(A small pig also wearing a purple cape runs into the room and pushes Carl out of the way.)

Chuckles: I am THE DARK LORD CHUCKLES THE SILLY PIGGY! And he cut in front of me before I could come in here!

Carl: Cut? I don't know the meaning of these words!

Chuckles: Look it up in the dictionary you bug!

Carl: Who are you calling a bug you cute little ham roll!

Chuckles: CUTE? GRRRRR! THAT DOES IT! FACE THE AWESOME POWER OF THE MYSTIC AMULET OF HOGSWINEBOAR!

Carl: Bring it on tenderloin!

(Hamsterviel, Mojo Jojo, and Pete could only watch as Chuckles and Carl started fighting each other with their magical powers.)

Mojo Jojo: Should we break them up?

Hamsterviel: We should, but this is actually very funny!

Pete: Same here.

(As the two villains kept fighting, a blue fireball came between them and broke them up. Chuckles and Carl looked forward to see a teenage girl walking in the room.)

Carl: Uh, oh. It's Azula!

Azula: It's my turn now.

Chuckles: That is so rude! Can't you just wait you turn?

(Azula prepared another fireball in her hands.)

Carl: Um, right. We'll be leaving now.

(Chuckles and Carl ran out of the room in terror as Azula sat down in her chair and faced the villains.)

Hamsterviel: Princess Azula. And how are things going with your father?

Azula: Miserable. Maleficent is still trying to find a way to return his bending. That Avatar has ruined everything. I will destroy him, his friends, and my loser brother if it's the last thing I do!

Pete: We feel your pain Azula. So how's life in the Organization? You made any new friends?

Azula: So far, Shego, Harley Quin, Blackfire, Charmcaster, Cree Lincoln, and Vicky were the only ones I can relate to here. But the one I find most annoying is that stupid freak of a monster who keeps hitting on me.

Mojo Jojo: Kevin 11. When will he learn.

Pete: And where is your father right now?

Azula: He's with Maleficent still trying to find a way to get his fire-bending back.

Mojo Jojo: Well don't you worry Azula. We'll figure out a way to get your fathers bending back. And we'll help you to destroy this Avatar forever!

Azula: I must warn you. They are very difficult to deal with.

Hamsterviel: We'll take our chances.

(Azula walks out of the room. When she walks out, Jafar walks in.)

Pete: Jafar? We weren't expecting you?

Jafar: Uh, well Maleficent called me here for um, to show you my awesome powers.

Hamsterviel: Something about you doesn't seem right.

Jafar: Wha. . .what do you mean?

Mojo Jojo: YAH!

(Mojo Jojo grabs a hold of Jafars cape and rips it off. Along with the cape came the whole costume. And standing there was. . .the Toilenator.)

Toilenator: Uh, hi guys.

Hamsterviel: THAT DOES IT! I HAVE JUST ABOUT HAD IT WITH YOU!

Toilenator: Come on guys! Just give me a chance! Please!

Pete: No.

Toilentator: Please!

Pete: No!

Toilenator: Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please!

Pete, Mojo Jojo, and Hamsterviel: SHUT UP!

Pete: OK FINE! We'll find something for you to do!

Toilenator: YAY! What is the mission?

(The three huddle together.)

Hamsterviel: What is wrong with you you fatso? This guy can't find his way out of a cardboard box!

Pete: Not every villain is perfect. The Queen of Hearts: It's her temper. Ghostfreak: He can't go into light. And let's not forget Queen Pulsating Bloated Festering Sweaty Puss-Filled Malformed Slug-For-A-Butt. I can't even take her name seriously.

Mojo Jojo: But this guy makes the Box Ghost look like the Ghost King.

Pete: Keep quiet. I have an idea. We just have to. ..

(Pete whispers the plan and Hamsterviel and Mojo exchange evil grins. After they're done, they sit back in their seats and talk to the Toilentator.)

Pete: Toilenator. Here is your mission!

Toilenator: OH, BOY!

Hamsterviel: You must go get us some coffee!

Mojo Jojo: But not just any coffee!

Pete: It has to be obtained from only the finest ingredients from different worlds. Each one more dangerous than the other. After that, you must go into the water where you must wrestle the mighty whale called Monstro. After you have done that, bring the coffee to us.

Toilenator: What does wrestling a whale have to do with getting coffee?

Hamsterviel: YOU DARE QUESTION OUR WAYS? JUST GO!

Toilenator: YAY! I WILL NOT FAIL YOU! TOILENATOR, AWAY!

(And the Toilenator runs out of the room.)

Hamsterviel: Finally! He's gone!

Mojo Jojo: Now we can finish this list.

(As the hours went by, more and more villains enter the room to be interviewed by Pete, Mojo, and Hamsterviel. Such villains as Skeletor, Myotismon, Magneto, and Orochimaru proved very fearful to them, while other villains such as Jack Spicer, Sideshow Bob, Abis Mal, and Team Rocket were just really annoying. After the last villain was interviewed, Pete, Mojo Jojo, and Hamsterviel walked out of the room and went about their daily routine once again.)

Pete: Well it was fun while it lasted.

Mojo Jojo: I know. All these villains were excellent choices.

Hamsterviel: And I can finally continue my plans to steal those experiments!

Pete: See you all tomorrow!

Mojo Jojo: Same here! When tomorrow comes, we will continue planning out next evil plans, which nobody will stop, not even those accursed Powerpuff Girls!

(And Hamsterviel, Mojo, and Pete went in opposite directions down the hallway.)

(In the empty room, Toilenator arrives soaking wet and almost torn apart. In his hands he held a cup of coffee.)

Toilenator: Look guys! (pant pant) I got (cough) the coffee! Hahahahaha!

(Toilenator looked around the room but saw that nobody was there.)

Toilenator: Hello? Guys? Anybody here? Hello?