Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals

Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals is the third fan fiction of the SBIG series by Great Pikmin Fan, and like all installments of the "SBIG" series, nothing in it is meant to be taken seriously. It is deliberately poorly written, with numberous spelling and grammar errors, a bad plot, and poor characterization, yet it does not delve into explicit content or graphic violence for shock value (with the possible exception of a fight scene in chapter seven). As the title implies, it is a fan fic of Hellsing. This is Great Pikmin Fan's fourth published story overall.

General Information

 * Title: Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals [sic]
 * Author: Great Pikmin Fan
 * Genres: Humor, parody, badfic
 * Date of Publication: September 13, 2011
 * Story Rating: T
 * Status: Finished/Editting

Characters (As Spoilerless as Possible)
Many of them, usually intentionally, are derailed into people they aren't. Almost all of them have different backstories.

Hecksing/Hellsing Organization

 * Alucard becomes Alucard Badguy, who is mostly pretty kind-hearted, especially towards Integra and Seras (although in a planned but removed scene, he slaps her for using metric measurements), although he still harbors much violence towards his enemies. Alucard came from a bad family past and is attempting to end the tradition he has, his last name being "Badguy" despite he himself not being one of them not because of his freakish vampire skills, but because his family was a long line of villains.
 * Integra is now Integra Heck, who is still Alucard's master, although her family has no ties to the Badguys at all. They simply bumped into eachother after Alucard ended up left from the United States to London.
 * Seras Victoria is still originally a cop who was caught in a crossfire between Alucard and an enemy vampire, transformed and chosing to work under him. Unlike her canon self, she is near-immediately perpetually hostile to the Millennium and Carl, frequently trying to rush into the former and not being hesitant to abuse the latter.
 * The Master Chief (from Halo) is a new addition to Hecksing after a particularly terrible moment in their lives. Late into the story, he turns out to be Kamina from Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann.
 * Carl Stevens is a purposefully annoying "Gary Stu"-type original character who is added to the group in chapter 3, and slowly takes up the center spotlight. He is a perverted, loud, alcoholic rockstar Martian who ran out of fuel during a vacation and crashlanded on Earth, happening to land in a crossfire between the Wild Geese and a band of evil mutants. Despite his space ship killing Pip upon landing, the Geese instantly make him into the new leader, and he proceeds to use his weapon, the sonic wave guitar (ripped from the Spongebob movie), to kill the mutants. Word of this soon hits Integra, and she quickly hires him to the force. Carl himself frequently tries to come on to Seras, but often gets shot down. He is said to be a nerd, but this hardly if ever shows in the story itself. He is an obvious stand-in for Charlie Sheen, considering his quote on how he's a "Total freaking rockstar from Mars."
 * Hecksing has had a number of forces to defend them. In order, it had Generic Guards (introduced and slaughtered in chapter 2), the Wild Geese part the already-dead Pip (they were also killed), and their final replacements, the Pikmin from the game with the same name (notably, several of them were killed off, but Hecksing still has a supply of them).

Millennium

 * The Major, also frequently refered to as the Leader before his actual reveal, is the major antagonist for the duration of the story. He leads over the Millennium and is in charge of most of the decisions.
 * The Doctor is now the direct right-hand man of the Major, since the Captain is considered too much of a liability to be relied on for such a large role. His biggest contribution to the story is the creation of something called the Titan Mecha (and obvious take on the Titan Dweevil from Pikmin 2), although he and the other "higher-ranking" members of the Millennium spend most of the story trying to build it.
 * The Captain takes a nosedive in ability, and a 180 in personality. He is written as a loud, constantly-talking, hyperactive idiot who tends to get himself into more trouble than he fixes.
 * Walter, referred to as the Walter Butler, spends the early parts of the story working under Hecksing, but it is obvious right from his introduction that he is really a part of the Millennium. This is made obvious by the fact that he openly, specifically states that he has zero ties to the group. He reveals himself as working for them early on and during a bad development for Hecksing, abandoning them to outright work for Millennium. Despite his bad disguising (that everyone falls for), he seems to be a genuinely competant and intellegent fighter by this story's standards, as shown by how he helped defend during the Valentine attack, and how he functions as a better, saner counterpart to the Captain. Dawn reveals that he worked with Integra as early as World War II, although his ties with Millennium and related groups, if any, are unknown.
 * Schrodinger, eventually always referred to as Catboy, is the Millennium's snarky messanger who claims to be immortal by being quantum physics itself. He uses fairy dust to travel around, and either he and/or Zorin appears to have some ties with Tubalcain.
 * Tubalcain "Dandy" Alhambra, who is just refered to as Card Guy due to his name being trouble for the faux-author, is a villain hiding out in Brazil for some reason, in addition to Schrodinger and possibly Zorin. He poses as a street magician, who does card tricks.
 * Rip Van Winkle is fairly mysterious here, and as the related stories go on, more of her backstory is implied. In this fan fic, she is highly sexualized for no real reason, having large breasts, an implied better-defined feminine figure, and she wears nothing but underwear most of the time. For some reason, she always speaks perfectly clear, with no (intentional) typoes or grammar mistakes, as well as using more complete sentences than the short and chaotic structure of almost everybody else. She appears to be a bit more idiotic than her canon personality, although she also shows signs of faking that and really being quite intellegent.
 * Zorin Blitz is made into an ally of Rip thanks to a change in plans, and teams up with her for the manor invasion. Her version here likes the Pikmin series, and even commands her soldiers with a whistle.
 * Jan Valentine was one of the two Valentine Brothers sent to test Hecksing's forces. Intended as fodder, as heavily implied by Major's line, he eventually becomes something a little more despite not having any apparant powers. He is shown to be a bit of a "troll," meaning that he enjoys irritating even the other members of the Millennium whenever he has the chance to.
 * Luke Valentine was the other of the brothers, having super speed and trying to use that to take down Alucard. Unfortunately, it turns out that Alucard has fast speed as well. Later in this story, he indirectly manages to convince his brother to have a change in plans that leads to a devastation.
 * The Soldiers are an army of 1,000 vampire soldiers who follow under and fight alongside the Millennium. Their only role in the story is during the invasion, where they split up, more than half of them siding with Zorin and Rip while the rest of them attack London chaotically.

Other
Note: The last entry may contain spoilers.


 * Ned Flanders is in this too, and he leads a group known as Heavensing. Originally good and an ally to Integra, he turned to the dark side for reasons not completely known.
 * Alexander Anderson is the next of the three members of Heavensing, and the group's trump card. He believes that all vampires should die, according to a quote that's apparantly in the Bible.
 * The last member of Heavensing is the Vampire Preist, only known as First Boss. He is the reason for Seras's turning into a vampire, if by accident and by bad aim on Alucard's part.
 * Pip Bernadotte, or just Pip B., was the original leader of the Wild Geese before Carl accidentally killed him. He only has two lines here, but returns for a slightly larger role (but that's not saying much) in Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals.
 * Dracula only appears in HUC itself by means of a flashback in chapter 5, where he is who Alucard went to to try to turn himself into a vampire. The scene is written again in the first chapter of Dawn, with some additions. He is shown to exist in the present in Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals, still opperating the shop, although his fate in the future is currently unknown since he is one of the few characters left unnacounted for in the original epilogue. He talks like Elmer Fudd.
 * Homer Simpson appears briefly as a mutant that attacks Integra. His backstory is revealed in Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals.
 * President Mayor Quimby (also from Simpsons) is the leader of London/England, and first revealed in chapter 8. While that chapter in question first appears to be a simple "rescue the president" plot, he tags along with Hecksing for the rest of the story, and has a line in every chapter after except for 12.
 * Giant David Hasslehoff, taken from a misunderstanding of the Spongebob movie, makes an appearance near the end of chapter 8 to help Hecksing out. He says that he became giant by eating mushrooms, an obvious reference to the Super Mario series.
 * Chief Wiggim briefly makes a cameo to arrest Integra at the end of the eigth chapter. Originally, his fate was unknown even right after he arrests her, but it is shown in Housestuck that John and Jade accidentally tricked him into getting himself killed after a series of events that started with him trying to shoot John and Jade's group for speeding in Hawaii a few days earlier.
 * An unnamed robot, referred to in-story as Lawyer Guy, serves as the antagonist for the rather unique ninth chapter. While not associated with Hitler Revival Groups (what Heavensing, Millennium, and Section 666 are), he is later revealed in Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals to be made by the Troll Empress. He is highly irritable, wants to trap Hecksing for no clear reason, and is really made of liquid metal.
 * The Jury is a group of ten (not twelve) people, from various works of media, who observe the trial in chapter nine. Originally, they were just cameoes, although Ed, Eddy, and Sonic help Hecksing out, but they eventually lead to the spinoff Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals, the fourth season of which shedding some light into eight of them, and the last two (John and Jade) being the stars.
 * Vatican Section 666 (DCLXVI) is where the remaining members of Iscariot are ported to. Maxwell, Heinkel, and Yumie are all there, and only make an appearance in the epilogue. Yumie, however, makes an unusual cameo in the first chapter of Hecksing: The Dawn.
 * Ren and Stimpy make a few appearances in here and Housestuck, by means of a show within a show. It is unknown if they will be in Dawn or not.
 * Hitler "Bro" Badguy, also known as the Overseer, is the true main antagonist of the story. He is revealed to oversee all of the Hitler Revival Groups, and be Alucard's abusive older brother as well as the reason for why he's in London.

Plot
Spoiler warning: Details about the story below.

Taking place on Valentine's Day week of 2011, in a version of England now renamed "the United Kingdoms of London," the story begins with Alucard getting assigned to fight off a vampire out in the middle of a forest, First Boss. While there, he manages to kill the target, but accidentally shoots a cop caught in the crossfire, Seras. Feeling guilty, he turns Seras into a vampire and hires her for his organization after she agrees to let him do that. Shortly after this, Integra tells both of them that First Boss came from former allies Heavensing, and Alucard and Seras both fly over there to try to stop them. Alucard kills their trump card Anderson and leader Ned Flanders, but the latter was not something he should have done. Because Flanders and Integra were both somehow teaming up to make a barrier that kept all vampires who weren't working for either group out of London. With Heavensing gone, the mysterious Millennium now take note that Hecksing's manor is completely unguarded, and send out the Valentine Brothers to test them.

This ends with Luke getting killed and Hecksing finding out about the Millennium thanks to a name drop from Jan, but Jan himself survives and is told by Doctor that he could become part of an experiment. In retaliation for the attack, Integra sends out Alucard and Seras to Brazil to stop one of their plans before it hatches, taking Carl along as well. Carl was a Martian left stranded on Earth after his rocket crashed on Earth and killed the leader of the Wild Geese, Pip. The Geese elected Carl as their new leader after seeing his sonic wave guitar feats, and Integra added all of them to her group to replace the dead guards. While at Brazil, they find another of the Millennium's members, Tubalcain Alhambra, and kill him as well. However, this infuriates the Millennium's leader to no end, and he gets promted to launch an invasion on London and especially Hecksing. This starts out with a carrier hijacking, which was supposed to go to Rip Van Winkle, but Jan ended up tricking her out of it at the last second, after being upset that he would not be able to use his new robotic arm immediately. Alucard is sent on the mission to claim the carrier back himself, however, his battle with Jan ends with both of them appearing to be killed in a giant nuclear/holy explosion from Jan's new arm. After Alucard's death, Hecksing's butler Walter reveals himself as a member of the Millennium, and leaves.

Integra leaves to New York to find a replacement for Alucard, leaving Seras and Carl alone with the Geese while the Millennium moves to their next phase of the invasion: 334 of their soldiers attack the town/nation in general, while 666 of them are with Zorin. Rip is tossed with Zorin's squad as well, as punishment for falling for Jan's trick (although this really turns out to be punishment more for Rip). While they work their way to the manor and Carl and Seras fight back, Integra finds the replacement in the form of the Master Chief, after he saves her from a giant, mutated Homer Simpson. They make their way back to London, while the battle in the manor escalates to the point where many forces on both sides are dead. By the point where all of the Geese are wiped out and Seras and Carl are mortally injured, Seras finally takes up blood from Carl, which awakens her full vampire form and turns Carl himself into a vampire. Before they can fight, however, Rip attempts to hold them at gunpoint, but backs down, confessing love for Carl. Carl eventually invites her and Seras to a threesome, and later Zorin, while the last of the Millennium's soldier proposes making it a fivesome, but gets cut in half by Zorin as a reply. Schrodinger teleports to the resulting bedroom (the scene itself is mercifully skipped) and fires Rip and Zorin, and the second arc ends with Integra getting back just in time to walk in on the Aftermath.

For some reason, Integra is more enraged at Carl for sleeping with the enemy than Rip and Zorin for being the enemy. She hires the latter two, and puts Carl's job on the line by saying that he has to stop Millennium's next plan, keep president Quimby from getting kidnapped, or else he is instantly fired. He guards Quimby by staying with him in a limbo, but once he leaves, the limbo is revealed to be driven by Walter and Captain, who take off without Carl. Carl chases after them, and is aided by Seras, Rip, Zorin, and Master Chief, as Integra sent them after worry in how long Carl took. The five meet up at the Millennium's ultimate hideout in the Grand Canyon to find that the remaining members are draining out Quimby's blood. Carl and the Chief chase a Quimby-carrying Captain out of the cave and eventually kill him, while the others stick to fight Walter. Walter kills Zorin in the fight, but is loses when Seras and Rip team up to strike him with several bullets at once. He turns out to revive himself as a "fallen angel," but Integra comes in, runs him over, and kills him off for good before he can do anything else. Panicking, Integra tells the remaining two to jump into her car, but they are arrested for apparantly speeding by Chief Wiggim, despite Integra knowing that they went within the speed limit. Meanwhile, Carl and the Chief ride on a giant David Hasslehoff and encounter Jan, who is revealed to have survived the explosion thanks to a shield-like feature in his fake arm, and that he stayed under the seabed while his robotic arm repaired itself. Carl gets the courage to kill Jan, decides that he needs to make Quimby into a vampire so that he doesn't die of bloodloss, and the three continue their ride from the Grand Canyon to London. Carl gets a call that Integra, Seras, and Rip have been falsely arrested, and goes over to the courthouse once they arrive back in London to try to save them. It turns out that this was all a trap: The lawyer, Lawyer Guy, is actually an independant anti-Hecksing figure who wants to kill them. He manages to kill Integra, but is eventually outsmarted by the rest of Hecksing, who plot a plan that gets him melted in a volcano.

The next night, and the Millennium ends their subtlety. Doctor's ultimate project, the Titan Mecha, is completed, and the remaining members of the Millennium take it out on a ride by launching at what remains of London. However, Hecksing quickly breaks it down with the help of some new Pikmin. With the main weapons disabled, the Mecha flies over to Alucard's tank, which was left unharmed by the explosion, and merge it with them, creating an additional cannon and re-enabling their weapons to nearly kill all of Hecksing. However, they are saved when the Master Chief reveals himself to be Kamina, who proceeds to use the Giga Drill Break on the Titan Mecha and destroy it. Schrodinger teleports Major away before the resulting explosion, and while Doctor survives the explosion itself, he is crushed by a falling piece of the mech's remains shortly after. Hecksing also hunts down and kills Major, but not before he manages to kill Seras's mother. Shortly after Major's death, Hecksing is faced with a new villain that's not a technical member of the Millennium: Hitler, Alucard's evil and abusive older brother. Hitler has a life-draining ability that he uses on Kamina, and tries to use on the rest of Hecksing, but ends up biting Schrodinger instead. Because of how their powers work, Schrodinger is counted as being non-existant by himself since his life is apparantly merged with Hitler's, and this is dealt with by both of them exploding. The portion of the story in 2011 ends with Hecksing giving a funeral for Kamina.

The final chapter cuts to the year 2041, where Hecksing has now became a band. They are seen relaxing when they get a message from Quimby that another Hitler Revival Group is attacking London. After a quick look through of where the still-living characters are now (mostly the jury members), Hecksing returns to find the causers as Section DCLXVI, who they quickly manage to exterminate. The battle also reveals that, at some point after chapter 12, Rip went back and absorbed the Captain's spirit, which lets her summon him as a familiar. But once the dust settles, they find out that they went into battle without putting on clothes first. The story ends with everybody laughing at the now-naked Seras, Carl, and Rip, including the dead heroes and villains in the afterlife.

Spoilers end here.

Old Version
Currently (as of August 27, 2014), Great Pikmin Fan is undergoing a process called the "Great Typo Cleanup," where he edits most of the other installments of the SBIG series. For archival purposes, Fan himself is putting the old versions of the chapters right here.

Warning: This section contains some strong language.

Spoiler warning: Details about the story below.

Chapter 13: Concussion
Spoilers end here.

Related

 * The SBIG series:
 * The Eds' EDventure
 * Zombie Attack!
 * Sweet Jade and Hella John
 * Sheldin and Lenard Tock About Fysicks
 * Kids Fit the Trolls
 * Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals (Spinoff to this)
 * Gumball Vs Satan
 * Hecksing: The Dawn (Prequel to this)
 * Act 5 Vs Act 6 (Upcoming)
 * Kids Fight the Zombies (Upcoming)
 * SBIGlets (Upcoming)
 * naruto the guy with the ninja (Upcoming)
 * Carl Stevens Universe: Pseudo-crossover with Steven Universe