Venom Alternate HISHE

Anne:  Remember what happened at the Daily Globe.

Eddie:  PPFFFT! That was nothing compared to what Spider-Man did to me.

Anne:  Who?

Eddie:  Spider-Man. The superhero? Red and blue tights? He fought that Vulture guy in New York.

(Stan Lee suddenly shows up)

Stan:  Silly Eddie, this movie isn’t part of the MCU.

Eddie:  Wait what? You serious? Sounds like it would make a lot more sense if it was.

Stan:  Yeah....(looks at viewer)..that totally would.

HOW VENOM SHOULD HAVE ENDED!!!

Medic:  This man is still alive!

Medic:  Who is it?

Medic:  Jameson!

Medic:  Ok we should-Wait, for real? Cool, it’s J Jonah Jameson’s Son!

(Stan Lee shows up again)

Stan:  No! This isn’t part of THAT movie universe either!

Medic:  Ahhh man, that would’ve been so cool if it was.

Stan:  Yeah, we know. Jeez, shut up.

FAST FORWARD.....

Eddie:  What about the rumors of you conducting human experimentation?

Carlton:  This interview is over. You’ll regret this, Mr. Brock!

Eddie:  Is that a threat?

Carlton:  You’re damn right it is!

Eddie:  Oh you’re in for it now! Just wait until I tell Shield about this!

(Stan Lee shows up again)

Stan:  Oh for god’s sake, Eddie! We already went over this!

Eddie:  Just...it’s not fair! How come I can’t be in the MCU?

Carlton:  He’s got a point, exactly what is the problem? How come we can’t be in the MCU?

Stan:  I don’t have all the answers, dammit!

Eddie:  You uhhh....kinda do....

Carlton:  He’s right, you do.

Stan:  That’s it! I’m outta here!

FAST FORWARD.....

Anne:  This is all your fault, Eddie.

Eddie:  You do realize he threatened me, right?

Anne:  That’s not the point.

Eddie:  No, that is exactly the point. He’s evil, so why don’t you get off your high horse and actually listen to me? I’m trying to save your life.

Anne:  Well it cost me my job, so I’m breaking up with you.

Eddie:  That’s.....completely unreasonable. Ok? It was just a job.

Anne:  That job was my life!

Eddie:  Ok, you know what? You can’t break up with me, cause I’m breaking up with you. God, I never knew you were such a bitch. Have fun working for an evil dude! Oh and by the way....next time you’re in trouble, don’t count on the Avengers to help, cause apparently we’re not part of that!

FAST FORWARD.....

Scientist 1:  You sure no one will be able to break in here and take the symbiote?

Scientist 2:  Pretty sure it’ll be ok.

Smart Scientist:  Here’s a bright idea, why don’t you make sure no one can steal a symbiote and mutate the crap out of themselves into a giant face eating monster just because you were too lazy to run this scientific alien research facility!

Scientist 1:  AGHHH! FINE! Oh look...someone could easily break into this cell and take the symbiote!

(Eddie Brock is arrested)

Eddie:  You don’t understand.....I’m a reporter! That means it’s ok for me to break the law! I’m not a bad person!

Cletus:  Looks like we’re rooooomies!!!!!!

FAST FORWARD....

Eddie:  So weird....so hungry....

Venom:  Wait, are you eating frozen tatter-tots?

Eddie:  Oh god....don’t feel so good....

Venom:  Maybe it’s because you just ate frozen tater-tots. Wait, are you eating out of the garbage!?! Oh god, that’s gross. Even for me!

FAST FORWARD.....

Eddie:  Oh my god!!!! AGHHH!!!!!! Wait a minute, if you can stick to walls, why are we in a crazy motorcycle chase instead of losing them on the rooftops!?!

Venom:  Shut up! It’s cooler this way!

Eddie:  Ok, I get that but it seems kinda unnecessa-AGH!

(Gets hit by truck)

FAST FORWARD.....

Eddie:  You just bite that guy’s face off!

Venom:  Yep! Like a tootsie pop!

Eddie:  Oh god!

Venom:  HAHAHAHAHAAA!

Venom:  Wait a minute, you need me to eat, so technically I just ate that guy’s face!

Venom:  Pretty much!

Eddie:  Oh god, I’m gonna hurl.

Venom:  That makes you hurl? You had no problem eating out of the trash, earlier!

FAST FORWARD......

She-Venom:  Hi Eddie!

Eddie:  Anne?

Batman:  I’ll take it from here, man.

Eddie:  What? But....why is...

Batman:  Hey....how’s it going? I’m Batman. See you like wearing black....I totally dig that. You wanna know my....secret identity?

(She-Venom roars)

Batman:  Quite the mouth on you....I like that.

Eddie:  Then you’re gonna love me!

(Batman easily kicks the crap outta Eddie and steals his girl.)

Batman:  You shouldn’t of done that.....BECAUSE IM BATMAN!

FAST FORWARD....

Riot:  Hello, Mr. Brock.

Venom:  Like we didn’t think this would happen.

Riot:  Wait what?

Venom:  Don’t you watch the movies? This is a classic cliche. When the hero gets a badass power, chances are there’s gonna be a villain that gets the same thing.

Riot:  That’s not true!

Venom:  Totally is! Iron Man, Man of Steel, Logan....

Riot:  Shut up! Now I’m gonna kill you and rule the stars with the power of my-

(Venom throws gas canister on him that explodes.)

Riot:  AGHHHH!!!!!

Venom:  Guessing you didn’t know we’re weak to fire, didn’t you?

Spider-Man:  Ok, I’m here....sorry I’m late.....whole Infinity War crisis thing going on....but I’m back and ready to....what did I miss?

Venom:  Everything....you missed everything.

FAST FORWARD......

Cletus:  Carnage is coming!

Palpatine:  No, happy hour is coming....and I could use a new bar keep.

Cletus:  Uhhhh.....ok

(Cheers theme plays in the Villain Pub)

Carnage:  This actually ain’t that bad. Thanks for the job, Mr. Palpatine!

Palpatine:  You’re more than welcome!

(Venom is out on the streets.)

Venom:  Why are we out here?

Eddie:  Well apparently we’re not evil enough to go in the pub, or good enough to enter the cafe.

Venom:  This makes me hungry, let’s go eat someone’s face off!

Eddie:  Shut up! That’s the main reason we’re in this predicament!

THE END