Spider-Man: Homecoming Alternate HISHE

S.H.I.E.L.D Agent: Take all evidence.

Vulture: Yeah....fine...

S.H.I.E.L.D Agent: Also search everyone here and make sure they don't leave with any of the chitari stones.

Vulture: Huh? Wait I...

S.H.I.E.L.D Agent: FOUND ONE!

Vulture: Ahhh....nuts.

OR....

Vulture: I'm gonna do whatever I can to support my family by stealing from S.H.I.E.L.D!

Shocker: Oh....that's one idea.....but wouldn't it be better if we used this stuff for good....maybe become Avengers too?

Vulture: Oh....that sounds a lot cooler. Also it'll give us more respect for being the little people! And I know just what to call myself!

YEARS LATER.....

Falcon: You're gonna need some help to stop Hydra and this Winter Soldier.

Captain America: It's ok, I know a guy.

Bird Man: Hey, how's it going. I'm the Bird Man!

Falcon: What!?! But I wanted to be the bird themed superhero! This ain't fair! Why are you doing this?

Bird Man: Maybe...it's because I'm....

Batman: Stop right there. You've been Bat Sued.

Bird Man: Awww crap. There goes my movie deal.

FAST FORWARD....

Peter: I can keep the suit?

Tony: Yep, doesn't fit me, but this doesn't make you an Avenger.

Peter: What? Why not?

Iron Man: You're inexperienced.

Peter: You kidding me!?! You let everyone become Avengers as soon as the first mission is done! Even Hawkeye became an Avenger the second after he killed a bunch of people being brainwashed! You also let that dangerous Scarlet Witch become an Avenger when her goal was to kill you from the start!

Tony: Wow....when you put it that way......ok, you're now an Avenger.

Peter: Damn right! You think I wanna go to school with that prick Flash Thompson and build Lego deathstars!?! No way! And you can't tell me what to do! You aren't my dad uncle yet!

Happy: Jeez Tony, I'm gonna have to side with the kid here. You've been acting like a real douche lately.

Tony: Shut up! Just drive us back to the tower. I got a deal to settle.

Norman Osborn: Yes....soon Avengers Tower will be....OSCORP TOWER!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

FASTFORWARD....

Flash: Hey Penis Parker!

Peter: That draws the line.

LATER....

Spider-Man: You hurt my pal Peter again and it'll be a lot worse!

Flash screams like a little girl, hanging on the side of a skyscraper, covered in web.

Spider-Man: Great power comes great responsibility to whoop your sorry ass!

FASTFORWARD......

Spider-Man: You guys aren't the real Avengers! What the...AGH! Wow, is that the gravity gun from Half Life!?! WOOOOW!

FASTFORWARD.....

Spider-Man: That them on the boat?

Karen: Yes. How should we handle this?

Spider-Man: I'll tell you how....WEB GRENADE!

(Traps em all with a lot of Web grenades)

Vulture: Ahhhh! Sticky!

Spider-Man: Yeah! Woooh!

OR.....

Tony: I want the suit back.

Peter: But I'm nothing without this suit!

Tony: If you were nothing without the suit, then you never should've had it to begin with!

Peter: Wha? Then what the hell does that make you!?!

Tony: Uhhhh genius playboy billionaire philanthropist?

Peter: That's your answer for everything! No way! I'm keeping the suit!

Tony: Oh no you don't, you're giving me that suit!

Peter: Yeah? Well WEB GRENADE!

(Traps Tony in a giant glob of web.)

Tony: AGHH! PETER! Why the hell did I get outta my suit to talk to you!?!

Peter: For the last time, you are not my dad uncle!

Tony: Get me outta this!

Peter: Oh you'll get out, in two hours!

FASTFORWARD.....

Vulture: You must be Pedro. I'm Liz's dad.

Peter: Ahhh hell no. WEB GRENADE!

(Traps him in grenade)

Peter: Liz, I'm in love with you, and don't wanna see you hurt. I'm Spider-Man and this man is a criminal. Check this out...Karen, activate the.....Spider-HOLOGRAM!

(Shows him as Vulture)

Liz: Dad! How could you!?!

Peter: You are a bad father! You're just like my wannabe dad uncle!

FASTFORWARD......

Spider-Man: Wow I....wait...why am I driving? It would be quicker to web there!

(Web slings to the factory early)

Vulture: As soon as my suit is charged, he's so dead!

Spider-Man: Sneak attack!

Vulture: AGH DANGIT!!!!

FASTFORWARD......

Tony: Welcome to the Avengers.

Peter: YES! YES YES YES YES!

Tony: You aren't gonna reconsider, are you?

Peter: Dude, the girl I loved is gone, Flash is an asshole, MJ is a bitch....

Stan Lee as janitor: Wait, she's suppose to be MJ?

Peter: And my only true friend keeps bugging me all the time as some guy in a chair. No way, we're doing this right.

Tony: Wow.....ok, let's do it. You're roomies with Vision.

Peter: AWESOME! LIFE IS WONDERFUL!

LATER AT THE CAFE....

Superman: Wait, which Spider-Man are you? Garfield or Maguire?

Spider-Man: What?

Batman: Ignore him.....so I heard you stopped helping New York since becoming an Avenger.

Spider-Man: It's all good....some group called the defenders are handling it....plus shield agents and something called an Inhuman. Plus, check out this sweet suit! You would have to be a complete idiot to turn down this offer!

Superman: Well....that is a pretty sweet suit.

Spider-Man: I even got a cool name for it....the Iron Spider!

Batman: You do realize that the plane debris from your fight with Vulture killed like....a ton of people?

Spider-Man: Like you guys are to talk....COUGH....bat mobile massacre....COUGH....Zod fight.

Superman: We....don't really like to talk about that. So now what?

Spider-Man: Living it up now. Gonna save the world as a kickass Avenger!

Batman: Well....you know that I would've done to become an Avenger?

Spider-Man: Throw a web bombed batarang?

Batman: Exactly! Out of all three Spider-Men, you are my favorite!

Spider-Man: Thanks I....wait what?

Maguire Spider-Man: (Crying) I....I don't understand!?! He gets the cool suit....and meet Iron Man....but I'm Spider-Man!?!

Garfield Spider-Man: I should've settled with Facebook.....